Flow

Something struck me today… idea-wise, not literally. And I wanted to share it. Some time ago I was introduced to the idea of flow with regard to finances. The idea is that we are conduits for money. And things. It is never actually ours. Its just for us to use. To allow ourselves to do the things we are called to do.

And the flow is more prominent the more we allow our gifts to flow into the world. Ive seen amazing examples of this in the world. People that get this idea.

Money and resources come to us so that we can share our gifts with the world. That’s the point. It allows us to have the things necessary to do what we do.

As I was thinking about this today, I had a new realization about how the idea of lack and scarcity has played its part in my life… for oh so many years! I’ve been so worried about not having enough that I have hoarded things! Not to a level of an episode of the show Hoarders, but almost. I have kept things, just in case… (lol, I’m reminded of the White Shirt… another blog post that if it hasn’t already been written, is in my mind to be written). I have held on to things for fear (key word) that I wouldn’t be able to get another.

What I’ve done is create a dam. Fucking eh! I’ve built a dam! Money can’t flow, because I haven’t allowed it too flow THROUGH me… I’ve held things and stopped the flow. I certainly have more than I need to survive comfortably. And instead of allowing things to come into my life for a purpose and a time, I’ve held on to them and instead of letting them go when its time, to go on to someone else that is in need of them now.

I’ve put a value on things, tried to sell things that were gifted to me by the universe… as if… what? Fear. Lack. Scarcity. As if the universe won’t provide what I need, when I need it.

Not that I haven’t given away things too, I certainly have. But thinking about the “things” I have in my house right now… so much of it I don’t use and I have been loath to give up because I paid good money for it or its worth good money… but what it is doing is stopping new money and resources to flow to me for the next phase of my life.

Done. That’s it. No more. Today, Being My True Self means … Clearing out and letting go!

6am Workout

6am workout… WHAT?!?! If you had told me a month ago that I would be getting up to work out at 6am, I would have told you were insane, let alone look forward to it.

So at 8am, I sit writing this, following my 6am workout. And I am reflecting on how I got here…

When I was in my 20s, I worked out often, but I was never devoted to it as a way of life or anything. Then at some point in my life, it stopped being something I could do. I say it that way because I wanted to do it, but I just wasn’t able. Then it became something i wanted to want to do… but just didn’t want to do it any more. I always did prefer activity over exercise as a way of moving my body, but it changed.

I know that my body wasn’t healthy. And hasn’t been for decades… I know this now, I didn’t realize it at the time. After years of research and listening to my body and what it wanted and needed, I am feeling better than I have … maybe my entire life!

It’s only the second workout, but I can say today that I was looking forward to my workout this morning. And when the alarm went off at 530am, I didn’t want to throw it… I welcomed it. I can say that I know its different because of this mindset shift.

I have heard so many trainers (well meaning, no offense intended, most are amazing people) say something like “just decide to get up and do it”, “just change”… It is not that simple. Because I wanted things to be different for so many years. I remember telling people before something like “I thought about working out today” and even though they looked at me like that was not a big deal, I knew it was huge. Because it meant that my body was considering it, whereas the days prior to that, it had definitely not thought about it, let alone considered it.

At this point, I know my body very well. How? Because I have learned to listen to it. I have learned to not question it (most of the time, there are still times when I doubt and it will show me every time why it is the ultimate authority).

How did I get to where I look forward to a 6am workout and am reclaiming my mornings? First off, start listening to your body. Yes, you have a job. Ok. Maybe you don’t like it very well. That’s ok… for now. Keep doing that, but when you get home… when you walk in the door when you get home, ask this question, “what do I need right now?” And listen to the answer. When I started doing this, the answer was “take a nap”… for months!! I began to wonder if I was just being lazy, but there was some deep part of me that just knew that that wasn’t it. I needed the rest. As a single mother of four kids, there was always lots to do. And I was constantly giving and doing for others. Is it really so hard to believe that when I finally stopped and asked the question “what do I need right now?”, that the answer is to take a nap?! So, I did. I took a nap or watched a favorite tv show or played a video game or read a book. It literally was a year before the answer, one Saturday afternoon, was “let’s mow the grass”…. what?!?! I was amazed and I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

That was several years ago now and I still had some full time parenting years left that kept me on my toes and continuing to give a lot, so the pattern remained the same. I was also still not healthy, not quite sick, although if I had allowed myself to get into the western medicine system, I know I would have come out with some major, chronic diagnosis. It was during this time that I started looking at what I was putting in my body. Started supplements and different diets and such. Researched… a lot. I figured out that dairy didn’t work well in my body and started limited it and finally getting rid of it. Same with caffeine, although got rid of that completely. Then, 1.5 years ago I gave up nightshades, 1 year ago gluten, and about 9 months ago I started a raw food diet that has completely changed my life. I started feeling healthy for the first time since… I can remember! With my system completely cleaned out, I was able to really tell how foods affect me, physically and mentally and emotionally. Once again, I listened to my body. I listen to what it wants and when I’m feeding it actual foods and not just food-like substances and making sure it has the nutrients it needs…. I feel amazing!

Which brings me to today! And a 6am-fucking-workout! I really am quite excited about it. And to be sitting here at 8am writing about it, on my bed, but not in it! My body is obviously able to handle it, was ready for it and craving it. I just can’t express here just how excited I am to feel this much vitality in my body!

Today… Being My True Self means a 6am workout and honoring my body and what it needs and not forcing myself to do anything that goes against that!

Wrecking Balls

Wrecking balls. Ever feel like you keep getting knocked over… seemingly every step you take? You get up, just to get knocked over again? And not just tipped over or ever pushed over, but wrecking ball knocked off your feet, over?

Well, I have felt this way. Often, actually. I’ve worked really hard in my life to learn to manage this. And I think I’m done a pretty fantastic job of it, too.

In fact, I don’t even see these things as wrecking balls any more. They are simply events that we, as humans, have decided are really catastrophic… like super awful. I learned a long time ago that every event in my life has had a purpose and does have a purpose, including these ones I’m referring to now.

I also believe that what is, is. In other words, what is happening is already happening… I mean literally the moment something happens it becomes history, so… not changing that. So, what is, is. I’ve learned to accept that and just kind of move on, even in the moment (I’m getting much better at this).

I also believe in the power of positive thinking. Not the “blowing smoke” kind of fairies and pixie dust kind of positive thinking, but looking for the positive aspects of things and situations. Because I believe there is a positive side to everything.

But, I heard something recently that got me to thinking about this all in a different way… basically putting it all together. I really can choose to be happy. I’ve noticed recently that when I tune into what I want to be true for my life, I will spontaneously smile. Like an authentic smile, not some fake, plastered on curving of my lips, but a real smile… sometimes a smirk or that little kind off smile you reserve for those cute, endearing kinds of things.

Anyways, this is shifting how I experience the world. And its helping me get in touch with what I really want in my life. I want to laugh so hard I’m afraid I’ll pee myself. I want to skip around outside. I want to snuggle up and feel a loved ones envelope me. I want to be of service in a big way. I want to share my gifts with the world! I want life to be simple. I want to interact with people on a regular basis that excite me, that challenge me to be a better person, that respect me, all of me. I want my body to feel alive again!!!

Today… Being My True Self means living with a passion that I have deep in my body… tapping into my soul’s zest for having a human experience… whatever that is and not labeling it as either good or bad. And doing it with a smile on my face.

Fighting to Fit In

Did you feel like you had to fight to fit in when you were in high school? I did! It seems like I tried every cliche there was at my high school… and none of them seemed to fit me.

At some point, I think I realized I simply wasn’t going to fit in and I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I did a work study thing my senior year of high school so I only had to spend half a day in school … and went to work the other half.

I thought it would end there. And I started college… I wasn’t really ready, but maybe I didn’t fit in there either and high tailed it out of there too. Then took a year off and came back to college. Still didn’t fit in… I didn’t live on campus and had to work full time to pay for school, so I didn’t get that “college experience” like everyone else in my classes. I also wasn’t in the right major… so this may have had something to do with that now familiar feeling… Once again, not fitting in.

As a mother of young children, I tried to fit in there too… didn’t seem to work. Unlike many of the other stay at home moms, I longed to have a career (doesn’t mean I didn’t love my children or love my time with them). I just wasn’t into what the other moms were into.

When I was finally able to return to college, in the major I had always wanted, psychology…. I think I was with people that finally thought like me, but I was a decade older than everyone in my classes! So… once again… didn’t fit in.

In grad school, while the age thing didn’t seem like as much of a thing, I was the one of maybe a few that had children… seemed like everyone else was in a different place in life somehow.

By now, I’m guessing you see a theme… I do…

The last decade has been so full of working and taking care of children that there hasn’t been much time for anything else. But as I reflect on my current situation, I recognize that I am finally finding people that are a good fit for me…. individuals here and there that accept me for who I am and even celebrate me. I’ve found a couple of communities that are full of people with similar interests or values and I think “wow, I’ve finally found my people.”

Then… something happens… may be an event or may just be a shift that I perceive… but either way, I begin to feel like I don’t fit in again. In one case, I think it was a perceived difference… me recognizing that I had one thing in common, but otherwise was still very different from most of the people in that community.

Most recently though, I caught myself feeling like I was fighting to fit in again… wanting to be accepted by people that I saw as the “cool kids”… and when that acceptance didn’t come, feeling like I was fighting to prove that I belong….

I honestly don’t even know what the answer is to this question I’m pondering… I just know that today… Being My True Self means wrestling with the part of me that feels a need to fight to fit in… or doesn’t feel like it doesn’t fit in…. or even cares if it fits in… or cares about the cool kids… or …. yea…. that.

Love & Light Always

The Puzzle of Life

Judging others…. we all do it. We judge ourselves too. But what is really happening. Here is how I see it.

I incarnated to have certain experiences in this lifetime. I have done this many times before. I have learned many things. And I have many more things to learn. I will continue to incarnate until I have had a chance to experience them all… at that point… well, that’s a different post!

If you put all the possible things to learn and wrote them down in a big long list of things to learn, you would have the headings for chapters of a textbook. Can you imagine that? The textbook of life lessons on earth! 🙂

When I incarnate, my soul takes out the textbook and decides what lesson it wants to experience in the next lifetime. Who knows how a soul makes a decision like this. I imagine it is much like how I decide what to eat when I look at a menu in a restaurant… hmmm… what sounds good to me, right now? Or what has been recommended to me by a trusted friend? Or do I want to be daring and try something I’ve never tried before and never imagined trying?

The thing is… we are all doing the exact same thing. We are just choosing different lessons at different times… for different reasons. Because you can do the textbook chapters in any order you want to. There is no cumulative, pre-requisite for anything in the textbook.

What does that look like for us as incarnated humans? It means that you may have already mastered a lesson in the textbook of life that I am now learning or haven’t even thought about doing yet. It means that I may have already mastered a lesson that you haven’t done yet.

Its why you can meet someone that seems to not know what they are doing, but gives you some immense piece of wisdom that rocks you off your feet. Or why someone that seems to have it all together can struggle with something that you find so simple and easy.

When you put it all together, when you put us all together on the planet, we create a huge puzzle… each off us having a different piece and each fitting together perfectly… IF we would simply accept each other as we are without judging each other..

When we judge, we are basically saying that the other person isn’t as good as we are because they haven’t figured out what we already know or have figured out. Or vice versa. What is there to judge though? If I have incarnated 100 times, it could mean that I have learned 100 chapters in the book of life or it could mean that I have tried to learn 1 chapter, 100 times. And there is not anything there to judge. It simply is what it is.

Who knows why I may take multiple times to learn a particular lesson. It does not matter. What matters, is that I have a piece that helps others and others have a piece that will help me, if only I am willing to accept that help from others. These lessons aren’t easy. How many people that have had near death experiences come back saying that they didn’t really want to come back?!

This thing called life that we are all doing… is not easy. It wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes we choose a life where money is not the issue, because we want to be able to focus solely on something else. Other times we choose to have money be a challenge, to serve a purpose in our learning. Whatever it is, my position is no better or worse than your position.

I appreciate you for who you are and what you came to learn. I have a piece of the puzzle called life; some I brought with me and others I have learned on this journey in this life. I am happy to share what I have learned with you. Thank you for being you and bringing to this planet your unique gifts and for your fortitude to learn the lesson you came to learn. You are brave.

Today… Being My True Self means that I am going to push myself to do some things that I find difficult… because I know that that is where I will learn the best lessons.

In Light & Service, Danielle

Negative? I Think Not

When it comes right down to it… it really is all about love. Dare I say, Love (with a big letter L).

It is all about acceptance of each other… and each other’s differences… It goes waaaaay beyond tolerance. It is not about what religious beliefs someone or what any one particular person or culture  believes. It is not about political beliefs.

No one is right… and no one is wrong.

When I look at all the strife in the world… or when I look at a particular “negative” action… and I ask the question “what makes it negative and not positive?” The answer is a person (or people) does (do). Based on a belief system. A belief system that is often times handed down from a person to a person. The problem is, people quit thinking when this happens. They quit asking why it was done that way. They quit trying to figure out if this is still the best way to do something or not, they just keep trying to apply the same rule.

I remember hearing a tale one time. A story. The story goes something like this. A daughter watched her mother prepare a pot roast. While preparing it, the mother cut off the ends of the pot roast and put it in a pan and into the oven. The daughter asked the mother  “why do you cut off the ends of the pot roast?” The mother replied “that is the way my mother did it, ask your grandmother why.”

The next time the daughter saw the grandmother, she did just that. The grandmother laughed and said “the first place your grandfather and I lived in had a very small oven and the only way I could cook a pot roast was to cut the ends off to make it fit.”

This rule was kept long after it no longer served a purpose… and not only kept, but passed on.. and it would have passed on two more generations later had the child not asked the question.

Children so often are willing to ask questions. And then they get it beat out of them (some literally and some verbally and some figuratively) as they age… they are told to not question their elders, that the elders know best. When in truth, many many times it is the youngest that have the newest and most brilliant ideas… in fact, often they have the ideas that change the world and changed it for the better. If they weren’t young, they were at least free thinkers that didn’t confine themselves because someone else said something couldn’t be done. They tried anyway!

We all come to this planet to learn a lesson. To further our learning. We are all on our own path. We are all taking different ways to and routes to learn similar things. Who am I, as a human or as a soul, to judge another’s chosen way? Or to impede another’s lesson even?

I am here to share what I know to be true. I am here to share what I have learned in this lifetime … and beyond. I am here to share with anyone that wants to hear and is ready to hear what I have to say. I believe those people will find their way to me and for them, I am happy to serve. I am not here to make others change… they may not be ready… they may need to not hear what I have to say in order to learn what they came to learn… so, who am I to say that I know better than they? The answer is, I’m not. I am not better, nor am I worse. I am simply different. I have gifts to share. As does every other soul on this planet that is here to live a human experience.

Those that we may call negative??? Not negative… just different. Even if its something like taking a life. Maybe they came to learn what it was like to do that or their soul is lost… either way, I believe that the life they took agreed to play that role and knew what they were doing. There is beauty in every experience you can have on this planet, if you are willing to look for it.

Today, Being My True Self means remembering to honor and celebrate all the experiences in the world and in my life… especially when I feel what most would call some negative emotion… that is where growth happens. And I am thankful for every opportunity to grow. Thank you for being a part of my life experience and playing the role you chose in this life experience with me. I honor you and am here to serve you in whatever way I can.

Existential Moment

Ever have that feeling that you aren’t in your body?? Like what is happening … is just happening around you, but doesn’t include you?

Yea… that’s how I’m feeling. I know there are some major energetic shifts and things happening in the universe… and this full moon on top of the already powerful astrological shifts … is just super powerful-er. It’s also daylight savings time and even though I’m tired-ish, I’m weirdly wide awake… Apparently I am a bundle of contradictions at the moment.

What do I do when that happens? I write, of course! Lol. I have been inwardly focused today. In the flow. Some great ideas are coming to me, but still don’t have a great way to get those ideas down on paper yet. They tend to just spin around in my head.

I know what I want to do, just not sure how to get there.

Things are on the move in my life… shifting and changing… not in the ways I thought I wanted them to go… In ways that in the past would have had me freaking out by now… but, I’m not. And I’m not attached to the outcomes; I’m letting go. Been watching my language a lot lately, making sure that I’m talking positively about everything that is happening. Synchronicities abound!

Amazing how easy it is to get caught up in gremlin thinking… thinking that there is something wrong with us and saying things to ourselves like “I’ve screwed everything up, done everything wrong.” And feeling like an utter failure as a result. I know this is not true of me. I am embracing that I do things differently than most. I love this about myself. However, when I look to the future…. I see all the things I’ve done in the past and all the ways I’ve chosen to do things… and all the silt on the bottom gets churned up and I’m in a whirlwind of gremlins again, fighting to keep my feet on the ground.

Why do I have to wait? Wait for someone else? I don’t, is the answer. yet…. I want to. I want to wait. I’m kind of tired doing it all by myself. I want to relax. I don’t want to have to worry any more. I want it to be easier, more simple. Once again… there is only one way that that is going to happen… and that is if I do it. Make some decisions and do it! Move on!

I think that’s the bottom line. The message. Today Being My True Self is about mindfully riding the ride of life, both going with the flow while also having an oar handy. There really is nothing to fear. Let go of the constrainsts that say you should have done it a certain way or should do it a certain way, and just do it your own way and move on!!

Game Changer? Fuck Yes!!

I am in tears at the moment… no worries, everything is alright. In fact, they are perfect. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life and the people in it!

I did an event last night… It felt to me, before it happened, that it would be a game changer. I had pictured one kind thing in my mind. It did not go the way I imagined though… not at all. I imagined that I would be admired and seen as a leader, receiving adoration from my admirers…. We think so small as humans… but, in our defense, we can only imagine what we have knowledge of before hand… I mean, I can not know what I do not know. 

What actually happened is so much bigger and better than that! There were people at the event that challenged me and disagreed with me. And it went so far as being told that I was saying something else entirely… all done very respectfully, I will add, but at the same time, because I’m different… because I’m poly. Suggesting that because I am different, I need to proclaim that loudly enough so that unknowing folks won’t walk into an event unawares that I’m different than they!!

Now some of this is my own emotional reaction to being judged… I’ve had plenty of experience with it and I acknowledge that. But, honestly, I’ve looked at this from all perspectives and had others look at it also. I did not include that I am poly in the description of the event because it was not relevant to the topic… it is simply my story. The event was about relationships… how to have a healthy relationship… period. Any kind of relationship, really, it is intended to be inclusive. It is intended to be a safe place for everyone to share their experience of relationship and their relationship challenges, regardless of how a person identifies… including me. 

Which brings me to why I am in tears of gratitude! I reached out to several friends… and with their loving and supportive assistance, I was able to see that I Did Exactly That! And that I am truly doing exactly what I came to do in this lifetime! I have known for a long time that my life’s challenges had a purpose and that I was meant to use them to help people. Well, fellow humans… here it is!!! 

I bare my soul about my relationship challenges and experiences BECAUSE they are different and taboo and sucked figuring them out at times, so that others can learn from them. So others can feel safe exploring and talking about being different when it comes to relationships. And not because they are different in the same way that I am different… that becomes too easy too… its about being accepting of how we are different. It’s about celebrating those differences! About allowing ourselves to learn from those that think differently than we do! If we could just be willing to hear the message no matter what the messenger looks like…. The world would be a much different place. 

Today… Being My True Self means standing tall in my truth… refusing to be put in a corner, because nobody puts Baby in the corner! It means knowing who I am at a soul level and not only not apologizing for that, but celebrating it and shouting it from the rooftops!!! I’m here and I’ve got a message to share!

Thank you, thank yo, thank you! To all who believe in me, who support me… to know that you see me… truly see me… for who I am, humbles me beyond words and brings me to tears, once again, as I think about it now!

In Light & Service, As Always

Fitting In

As I lie here tonight, wishing I was with my people… I am once again reminded of all the times in my life when I didn’t fit in. Which really has been most of my life. It seemed no matter what I did or what I tried, I wasn’t accepted.

This phenomenon has continued, right up to today. When my gremlins are loudly speaking in my ear, telling me that I don’t belong. Even with my people…. the people I have longed for my entire life. The people with whom I finally began to feel like I belonged… like there actually was a place for me in the world.

These gremlins find what they believe to be evidence to support their claims that I am not worthy. That my people are just being nice and tolerating me… putting up with me.

And as I lie here with these thoughts running amok in my head and feeling more and more down… something hits me.

It’s not about being accepted! It’s not even about finding my people. It’s about Being My True Self. I know I say that every time, but I mean truly, it really is only about being me.

When I’m me, things line up… things go smoothly… the words come easily… when I’m me, I don’t have to be accepted… by anyone… even a master Buddhist monk (or some other equally enlightened human).

When I’m me, the people that I am meant to interact with, meant to get to know deeply… those I have soul connections with, be it for lessons or karma, will find me. And if I’m meant to experience something we generally think of as distasteful… well, then, I can’t dodge it anyway, so might as well go ahead and walk into the “fire” and get it over with… rip that bandaid off.

I mean, who the fuck and I trying to impress?! I’m Just trying to be me… the best me that I can be, following my true path …. I’m just Being My True Self! And today that means letting go of trying to impress anyone. If you like me… great, I love you. If you don’t… great, I love you.

As Always, In Light & Service

The Space In-Between

This idea… this concept… this notion, if you will, keeps coming up for me this week.. In things I read and see. Then in my thoughts the idea expands.

My main focus these days is on getting my message out… what’s my message? Good question!! Lol I’ve been working on this for years now! I think this idea is a part of it!

So, our society teaches us to move through this space in-between pretty quickly. You’ve probably heard the quote about the journey, not the destination. Its that. We are taught to ignore, in essence, the journey or the space in-between where we are and where we are going.

It goes further to include moments between things. So much so that there are typically no “empty” moments in the day, because when we find them, we fill them… at least that is true for me. And its true for friends and the clients that I have worked with over the years. Then, once we fill, those moments we rarely go back and take out what we filled the moments with, so much so that we end up feeling like everything is important and we can’t get rid of everything and its all the same amount of important!!!! Do you feel the frenzy that builds when you read that?! Yikes!! It goes all the way down to the pause in a conversation.

How many people are uncomfortable being single? Its the space in-between relationships, right? As if the relationship is the desired, expected status or way to be… skip right over or through the single/in-between space as quickly as possible. Just pick someone! Ever do that?!

The underlying message is that the space in-between is bad in some way. Maybe you were told it was unproductive. Or you were lazy if you didn’t do something with it. Or unmotivated, even. In other words, things that don’t feel good.

Is it any wonder that we end up believing that any relationship type that is in-between already identified types isn’t acceptable? We are already conditioned to not be comfortable, at the very least, with something that is in-between. Of course, it goes further when we are talking about relationships. There are other norms and things that come into play. However, I want to talk about what is in-between relationship types.

We all know what monogamy is. The state of being in a committed, loving relationship with only one person at a time. Our society tends to take the connotation of it further though, but not unanimously so. There are different, individual expectations with the concept that are sometimes talked about and sometimes not. For the sake of this discussion, monogamy is being in a committed, loving relationship with just one person at a time, whether it is heterosexual or homosexual.

Now, if you go look at alternatives to this, what do you find? You tend to find the extremes. Most everyone has heard of the man (can’t think of his name at the moment) that married dozens of women and some underage girls in the name of his religion. Or you heard of a friend of a friend who tried to open a marriage and it didn’t go well at all. In some cases polygamy or polyamory or swinging or kinky… each conjuring up its own images in your mind as you read these words. Most of the time you will find things that already have a name and definition.

At this point, most people will put themselves in one of the categories or boxes and go from there. Whatever the box is, they try to fit themselves in it, make themselves match the definition of the one they chose, assuming that is the ultimate way to be… and if they aren’t like that, that there is something wrong with them…. and they seek to “fix” themselves.

I’m here to tell you (because I’ve learned this the hard way), THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! No matter what it is you want in a relationship! You are allowed to ask for it! You are allowed to expect it! It has taken me a lifetime to recognize this and then accept this for myself! I want this for you! For Everyone!!

Dare to be uncomfortable. Go to the space in-between and stay there! Don’t run away, don’t shy away. Go there and ask yourself, “What do I want?”… “What are the possibilities?”… Allow yourself to explore the in-between!

Today, Being My True Self means putting on my explorer’s hat and hiking boots, taking a packed lunch, and visiting the in-betweens I find today… Join me?