Creating space

Creating space in my head. I said this to a friend recently. When it comes to Being My True Self, one of the most important things necessary for me, is to create space for it. Not just physical space for it (although this is necessary too). Not even just space in time (this is definitely important!) But, space in your head, mental space.

I had so many other things running through my mind, that there wasn’t any room for me to Be My True Self.

Lol, de-cluttering my own head! Phew! That’s more than a weekend chore! There is a lifetime of s*** piled up in there. A lifetime of “I should”… of other people’s “shoulds”… I should be this, I should be that, I should be doing this, I should be doing that, why isn’t this better or that better, it should be… what’s wrong with me… the next thing to do, the next place to go…… And just when I get rid of one of those, ten more pop up!

This is a work in progress. This is not done yet. But I’m working on it! I have noticed that when I am at home, I am programmed to behave in a certain way. Its hard to break free, but as soon as I get out of the house, my mind seems to engage in a much different way. Especially when I am driving (you may have noticed that I mention often recording while I’m driving… probably because it gives my mind a chance to finally be free of whatever confines were holding it in).

One of the biggest things, I have noticed for myself, is tv… I feel like I’ve gotta see that show, I gotta find out what happens to those people…. So, I have been planning to shut off cable… for a month now… hmmm, I am obviously procrastinating…. AND after watching the Oscars and some amazing speeches and being reminded that movies/shows are meant to evoke emotion, to stir us, to get us up, to get us thinking….

So, the trick will be to create the space enough for both without that need to figure out what happens that takes over everything else…. Taking things as they are, in the moment, and then letting them go… Or doing something with them. But not just letting them rattle around in my head, because then they just get in the way, they get in the way of Being My True Self, being in touch with my greatness, being in touch with the wonders that the world has to offer.

“Jerk!” Lol… that was for the driver in front of me who just cut me off, as I’m recording this driving down the road…. But, there you go, perfect example, mojo/flow is gone! That quickly. He got into my head… no, no, no, I let him into my head. Thinking about him and the unfairness of his actions, instead of my ideas…

Creating space… enough space to allow for entertainment like movies/tv shows, and also for “jerks”, to pop in and then pop out of my head without interrupting or getting in the way of me Being My True Self.

Less than?

I have spent my entire life feeling “less than”. I don’t know why…. I think our society breeds competition into us. You know, the whole… competing with the Jones’ thing. Is my car better than my neighbor’s car, is my house bigger/prettier/cleaner/neater than my co-worker’s house.

Anyway, somehow along the way I got the idea that I wasn’t enough. That I was somehow less than the people around me. I have a distinct memory from childhood, its a fleeting moment in time and I’m sure that no one else in the room remembers it now. I don’t remember the context and I don’t know how old I was exactly, although it was before the age of 10. I went up to a group of adults, playing cards, I think, and I did something or said something or asked for something. The next thing I knew they all bust into laughter.  I was devastated inside.

Being a parent now myself, I’m sure that I just did something cute. But, as that little girl, the feeling and the thought was…. embarrassment and “what’s wrong with me?” I don’t blame any of those adults in any way. I’m sure there have been moments in my kids lives when I have done something similar. Either way, the idea was already imprinted in me by this point, because my assumption in the moment was that I had done something wrong.

I am able to recognize now, that I have always compared myself to others, to some standard… our grading system is set up to compare us and creates a better than/less than competition. In my freshman year of high school… I remember being ostracized for getting good grades. I laugh, because it sounds so ridiculous to say. But, I was singled out because I got good grades.. because I got a 100% on a science test and I was messing up the curve for everyone else. So, I purposefully answered wrong on the next test to prevent that from happening again. …

There is something wrong with that. Regardless of which way it goes, comparing ourselves to others serves no purpose that I can see. And when I am Being My True Self, I don’t care about comparing myself. I am able to see my gifts as what they are, myself for who I am, and others in the same way.

I am not less than. Never was, never will be. Even if my grades are lower than yours, even if I have less of an education, even if I weigh more, or I’m shorter, or my hair isn’t as long, or its going grey before yours… none of these things make me less than. In fact… all of those things mean that I am amazing! That I am a complete package!

Your inability to see my greatness does not make me less than.

Paralyzed, resistance, course correction, and flow!

I awoke this morning with a good energy flowing. Had a plan, then, as it sometimes goes, something else came up… no problem, totally went with the flow. Was feeling very little pressure to get to the office, but was still basically on the time frame I had in mind.

On the way to work I started to think… (there’s that dreaded word again)!! … about the things I wanted to get done when I got to the office. Again, no worries… tick, tick, tick (as I checked things off in my mind, making mental notes)… when I remembered a phone call I had gotten yesterday about a new opportunity. No biggie you say, well… me too… that’s what I said. But then, I realized that out of all the things I had just gone through in my mind, I was really not looking forward to this one.

“What’s that about?”, I asked myself (as my introverted mind loves to analyze). I realized that I was afraid. Ok, that’s fine, afraid of what? The answer surprised me. I was both afraid that it would lead to something and that it wouldn’t. What? How does that make any sense? How could I be afraid of both outcomes, that are complete opposites of each other?

As I thought more about it, it got worse and worse. I realized that I was literally paralyzed with fear! Usually when an opportunity arises which pushes me out of my comfort zone, I tend to think its a good thing. It means growth and opportunity. Its the idea of adventure versus safety/security. How am I supposed to know which way to go?

In the past when I have gotten paralyzed like this, I just wouldn’t do anything, I’d sit on the fence, and of course, that just means that the decision was made by default, not by me actual choosing. Sometimes I would avoid the adventure because it felt uncomfortable and other times I would stay with the safety in spite of the fact that it was uncomfortable and vice versa.

Then, almost as if because I didn’t take action, something would happen that would propel me in the other direction, typically in a very painful way… although the pain is probably from my resistance to being propelled. No seeming rhyme or reason to it… sometimes the uncomfortable way required a course correction and sometimes it was the comfortable way. Arghh!

I found myself plagued with doubts. I mean, if I’m uncomfortable does that mean I’m not supposed to do it (my soul trying to get my attention) or does that just mean that I’m just not used to it (making it scary to my human side while my soul is trying to stretch and grow)? The feeling would be the same, right? Feeling uncomfortable is uncomfortable no matter the cause… right?

I’d really rather make a purposeful choice this time rather than going through the pain involved in course corrections… so, I’m listening and I’m waiting. I’m not forcing anything and I’m not resisting anything. I’m going with the flow so that I can hear My True Self loud and clear! Hears to trusting!

Happy Valentine’s Day to Me!

To My True Self! Too often I forget about me. I forget that I’m awesome! That I’m smart! That I’m strong! That I’m lovable!

The messages I have received over the years have been varied and they continue to vary. But that’s ok, because I know how awesome I am, whether anyone else does or not.

Luckily for me, I have plenty of people in my life that agree with me. Part of me hesitates to say things like that still.  Its not sure it believes those things and its not sure its ok to think them, let alone say them out loud… I mean, doesn’t that make me arrogant? Others would say it does.

But why? Why does understanding and knowing exactly who and what we are make me arrogant? Isn’t it important that I love myself first and foremost? I think it is! I mean, how else am I supposed to know when someone else does? Part of that means believing those things about me. Knowing somewhere deep… at my center… from My True Self that I am lovable because I exist.

I deserve to be loved and held in high regard just because . I mean, I believe this about others. Its part of why I do the work that I do. And why I have spent my life giving to others… often at my own expense. That is My True Self’s nature, to give and to love…. every day of this life, not just on Valentine’s Day, although there is nothing wrong with a reminder to love who we are!

Speaking My Truth

This idea was brought to my attention today, thank you Athena and Savannah, message received, loud and clear! As much as I say that I am blunt and say it like it is… I don’t, not completely. Allow me to elaborate… or not, that’s your choice. Read on if you like.

It is important that we not only be our true selves, but that we actually speak it. I think there is a time to allow ourselves the space to figure out what and who that is, but then its time to speak it. And when we don’t speak it, things start to back up… quite literally, actually. The energy of this unspoken truth begins to back up in our bodies and creates illness in the body.

So, I’ve been sick recently… Yep, first hand experience. I have been working on speaking my truth, more and more… this blog is a testament to that. However, not enough. I believe that I have been holding back some truths, couching them within traditionally socially acceptable terms.

I believe that my holding back stems from the fact that I was raised and am surrounded (for the most part) by Christians. Please, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being Christian, or any follower of an organized religion. That system taught me, gave me a foundation for which to think of all things spiritual, and my entire life I have referred to those teachings. However, they are limited, in my opinion. The form of Christianity that I learned did not include fire and brimstone, but there was definitely a right and wrong way to it. This is very limited, in my opinion. Luckily for me, I was able to build my own framework, from various sources, from which to work within. This allowed me to accept some teachings while discarding others. Which brings me to my current place in time and my current belief system.

I think this is where the back up came from. I talk about My True Self and while I still connect with that, I have held back when I talk about what that means to me exactly. To me, my true self is my  higher self… that part of my soul that remains where souls exist. I believe that my soul integrated with my physical body to become one, to allow my soul to have the experiences that only human beings can have.

I believe that this life is only one of many, probably too many to count. I believe that I chose this life and its path (and everything in it, although I didn’t know all of the things that would happen… I am sure this is by design, because hell, if I had known, I may not have decided to embark on this journey!) That this life is part of a bigger picture and plan for my soul, of my soul, to learn specific lessons so that I can grow and learn as a soul.

I believe that the fear and negative emotions that we experience as human beings is the human part of us feeling them. These emotions are not part of our souls’ experience. As souls there is nothing more than light and love, and all the emotions that we think of as positive… only magnified beyond our capacity to quantify as human beings. I believe that when I’m thinking, that’s the human part of me, and when I “know”… that’s the soul part of me.

I believe in a creator, but not a god… I believe the creator is the source of all… but, that we are all connected to the source, a part of the source, all the time… and therefore all connected to each other.

I actually believe that this fits in with most of the major organized religions (what I know of them, which admittedly, is not a lot), but certainly with Christianity. I will expand on this concept at a later date though. Enough for today.

Here’s to being My True Self!! The human part of me is freaked out at putting this all down “on paper” and sharing it with the world! For fear of persecution, of being ostracized, of being singled out, of being abandoned, of change…. But the soul part of me is ready! She says “bring it on”, I got this!

Feeling Abandoned

Been feeling a little like I’m on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean, with no other living being within sight… I feel disconnected, disconnected from true self.

This wouldn’t be the first winter I’ve ever felt this way.  When just waking, just getting up, feels like coming out of quicksand. Every ounce of energy I have is consumed by the simplest of activities.

But this is the first winter that I’ve experienced it in this way. Coming from a place where I felt so connected to my higher self, my true self, to this feels SOOO different! I thought I was managing through fairly well, but last week it just became apparent that I wasn’t. Again, not anything new, I’ve been there before. But, I miss that connection a lot. And I just feel utterly abandoned. That was my thought today as I was driving.

Then, I see a hawk… my spirit animal… perched on a high wire beside the road…. and as I approach he lifts off and takes flight… I smile. Its a magnificently beautiful sight. And it makes me smile instantly, because its a reminder that I’m not disconnected. My true self is still there. Its all still there. I am just not able to hear and feel it right now… too much stuff blocking the way.

The stuff is still there, but I know I haven’t been abandoned. My true self is there, ever patient, ready and waiting for me to connect to her.

I. Am. Enough.

That thought came to my mind recently when I was in the shower.. I do some of my best thinking in the shower and driving.. there may be something there worth exploring… some day, but for now, the idea that I Am Enough.

I was thinking about helping people, clients in particular. I have been interested in helping people since I was a teenager struggling with my own issues of fitting in and being accepted… that’s a whole other post… Anyway, after a false start in a different direction and a detour, I began to seriously pursue this long time desire.

When I started this venture, I found that there were lots of things that were required to become a person that was allowed to call themselves a “counselor”. Lots of classes, two degrees, a state license exam, hundreds of hours of documented and supervised counseling, and another state license exam… then rigorous ethical standards to meet along with continuing education requirements to be able to continue to do it once I’d gotten there.

Is it any wonder that I question myself? I mean, all this suggests… states, point blank, that I alone am not enough. That I need to do, be, and know more. I am not bashing the system, its in place for a reason. However, I do feel restricted by it. There are times when I find myself holding back and hesitating to do or say something that I think might be helpful for a client because I’m afraid it will step outside of one of these rules, even though I do not believe that there is anything ethically or morally wrong with them. Granted, I would never approach a client to try something without informed consent, that’s just common courtesy.

When I am Being My True Self, I believe that the things that occur to me to say and to do are exactly what is needed in that moment. Because I am connected to my True Self, I am acting from a place of knowing, a place of true intention, of pure universal love. I don’t need to do or be anything else, because in that moment, that will be enough. Imagine if we all behaved and acted from this place? If we did, there would be no need for such rules, because there would be no ill will or evil intent.

But, alas, we are not there yet as a race… I am not there yet as a human being, if I was, I wouldn’t doubt… so, for now, a reminder to myself… I. Am. Enough. Period!