Accepting What IS

First off, let me start off by saying this, the new moon brought with it an intense energy. Some I know felt it and others did not. Some experienced it as a wonderful shift and others… just as wonderful, but not as gentle.

I am one of the latter. There is no doubt in my mind that there was a major energy shift with the full moon. I felt it. I have come to realize that the difficulty in it was my struggling against the shift. I couldn’t see the bigger picture for a good part of the weekend. But there have been so many clear messages from my angels and guides that it is even hard for me not to see.

I have stayed too closed off for far too long. I am not meant to be confined to such a small area. I am on the precipice of something large, all I have to do is reach out and grab it! I can feel its energy… I can even taste it at times! Then… some thought… little doubt… will creep into my mind and the next thing I know, I am on this fucking tangent going …. God knows where!!

Old rules. Old thinking. Old patterns. Old ways.

Yea… there are those damn shoulds again!!

I read something on my favorite news feed today (lol, facebook) about a reframe of an old saying.. nervous breakdown was reframed to nervous breakTHROUGH! Brilliant! Genius, even! It is a breaking down of old ways, but we are breaking through them as they break down. Its a realization that we have been holding onto something that is no longer serving us. And I believe that everything happens for a reason and every person (every. single. person.) we meet in this life crosses our path for a purpose. Sometimes the message is small and sometimes its bigger; and sometimes it is the shortest encounters that bring the biggest messages.

Once that purpose is served, it is important to let it go. This is the part that can be the most difficult. If we let it be. Buddhist philosophy says that we only experience pain when we fight against something that is… this would be the same. If we accept this change as the way things are meant to be and don’t fight against it, it can be the smoothest of transitions. Its only when we do fight against it that it becomes so difficult.

I would say that as of this morning, as I am writing this, I am feeling rebirthed in a way… I feel like I’ve been through the wringer and then back and forth through it several times. But, I believe that I have a new certainty and courage, even though there is a lot of fear. If I can get through this, I can get through anything.

Here is to looking forward and not back… to Being My True Self, in all things and in all ways, accepting whatever consequences there may be along the way. Join me or let me go, but don’t try to hold me back!!

Painful Process

Being My True Self isn’t painful… in and of itself. Actually, its quite the contrary. Being My True Self is effortless… its going with the flow of the universe… it feels Amazing! Figuring out who I am and what being me looks like… feels wonderful, like coming alive!!

However, the process of coming from a place of inauthenticity to a place of authenticity and being true to my self… That process can be painful.

I lived for so long in a place… that just simply wasn’t me. And it became comfortable…  and… sometimes it was easy .. and to think about changing was scary. Because it was all I had ever known. Not to mention the fact that the people in my life got used to me that way and were… and are… resistant … and in some cases, very resistant, to me changing.. Even though that change was and is a good thing.

So, figuring out how to be me and Being My True Self, feels all kinds of good!

But… it makes bumping into those old limitations and those old ways of being … Even more painful. Actually, that is probably the painful part. … The painful part is recognizing the difference, experiencing the difference between being authentic and not being authentic. Because when you know what it feels like to be truly who you are, to be anything but that HURTS! Doesn’t feel good at all.

I’ve figured that out this week. Or rather…  I should say I have experienced that this week.  I got caught up into an old pattern of thinking, one of obligation, that has not served me in the past, … it was something I was very used to. Something I was taught … something I had gotten comfortable with … but at the same time, it was something I always bumped into. Something that always did cause pain in my day to day life. Well, I bumped into it in a head on collision this week.

But I see it now … more clearly than ever before. Forward progress that I am always striving for!! I can see it for what it is… And that feels good, even though the process was and is painful.

Ok… the lesson is painful, but I am going to move forward and continue being who I know I am, continue Being My True Self! And share that with anyone that wants to listen.

Being Unapologetically Me

After a rough month of self doubt about who I am and my purpose, culminating into what ended up being a rough night last night and a sense of utter defeat with a desire to give up. I awoke this morning with a renewed sense of purpose and focus! My focus feel laserbeam this morning!!! I am feeling… unapologetically Me and Being My True Self in a way that I haven’t felt for …. a few months, at least!

I have been floundering a bit for the past six months… I would say. Roughly about the time I stopped posting these blogs regularly. Which is really wonderous to me because some amazing things have been happening over these past six months! In fact… a lot has changed.

I am feeling much better physically … actually, now that I think about it, its only been this past month that I have been experiencing old physical symptoms… hmmm.. that is something worth noting!

I have met some amazing people that have enriched my life beyond measure! My chosen family is how I like to think of them.

I have made great strides in my work and chosen profession, attending a training that I have been wanting to complete for several years and putting it to use in my daily practice and my professional practice.

I am making different choices about how I live my life, from what I eat to how I communicate with people. I am listening more and more to my body and my soul and making choices that are informed through those sources and not from those around me.

I have made progress is moving forward with my life the way that I want to rather than the way I was taught I should live my life.

None of this has been easy. Its been a bumpy road and I have faltered along the way. And I have or, in some cases, felt like I should, apologize for the decisions that I have been making. Well, no more! I am not going to apologize for believing what I believe and making the choices that I am making! If that means that people unfriend me, either in real life or on facebook, then so be it. I have always said that those people weren’t meant to be in my life anyway, but had trouble actually standing up for myself, My True Self, in the face of such things.

I am only here for a short time (in the grand scheme of things) and I came here with big… no BIG plans and goals! And I’m ready to hit the pavement running and not look back and not apologize! I am not going to omit pieces of me to make other comfortable any more!! (saw this on facebook this morning on a meme from Unify… facebook is good for some things! 🙂 )

I am immensely grateful to my birth family and my chosen family and friends for being there for me and supporting me in their unique and individual ways! I Love all of you!!

Welcome Back!!!

Or not!! Either way, here I am! Its been a while since I posted anything. Its been …. eventful!

I just returned from the second of four classes this year, the second  year of the two year certification program for Eden Energy Medicine. It was amazing, as always and as expected!! Then I went to California, Napa Valley area, to visit my oldest daughter. Also an amazing 5 days! That area is majestic! And the redwood forest is simply magical!! I think I could live there 🙂

Its nice to get away from reality for awhile… Isn’t it? Or am I the only one? I don’t think I am.

So, this brings up a point of consideration for me in this journey to find and Be My True Self. How do I create a life, a reality that I don’t need to “get away from”. Saying this reminds me that a very dear friend said this exact thing about where she is in her life right now, she’s worked hard for it.

So, as I review the smatterings of things that have presented themselves for my consideration upon my return… in other words all the stuff that smacked me square in the face and dropped me like a rock back into the reality  of my existence… I am faced with some decisions. What do I make a priority and what do I let go of?

At first this was really hard for me to see. As I was recounting to a friend, listing out all the things I am doing, I became so overwhelmed, instantly, that I burst into tears and wanted to curl up in a ball or sit in the corner! I was very tempted to just shut down (which is my usual) and wall myself away from the world. But I didn’t!!

Yay ME!!! I faced all of this (after my little pity party) and just simply decided what to focus on in this moment (the only one I have) and started knocking stuff out. I got frustrated along the way, but when that happened I vented to a friend and did what I could and then moved on.

I got all the auto bill pays that were connected to a now defunct debit card (my bank sent me a new card while I was away and said that the old one was compromised, so I needed to track down all the auto bill pays and enter the new card information) over to the new one, did what I could about the insurance, and got client appointments scheduled and rescheduled for this week, and I threw some fish in the oven to bake today so I would have something to take this week to work for lunch/dinner.

So, as I sit here writing this there is still a laundry room piled high with things that need laundering, a basketful of clothes (from vacation) that need put away (I fold and hang things as they come out of the dryer, to reduce wrinkles… wish that worked on my facial wrinkles… hmmm), a house that needs cleaning from top to bottom, a garage full of things that need a new place to  live, lunches to pack for my lunch this week , some phone calls to make, grass to be mowed…. I can’t even think of all the other things that would like my attention.

But, rather than do any of that, I decided to write this blog and after running to the store to get something to eat for dinner, I think I will paint… a painting, not the walls of my house (which also need to get done before I can sell my house).

So, here’s to progress on this journey to Be My True Self! Listening to what my True Self wants and needs rather than what the world tells me!!