Maybe I am the Crazy One!

I know a lot of people have this thought.. Maybe I am the crazy one. I’ve heard people say “Well, you are the common denominator.” But also, “If you can ask the question, then you aren’t crazy.”

Regardless of which one you believe to be true, there are times when all I want to do is run away.. avoid reality… sometimes the pain of life simply seems to be too much. Having a parent with Alzheimer’s will do that to you…. and I do understand that the paranoia is part of the illness.. But add to it that the relationship isn’t the fairy tale relationship we all have in our minds… And trust me when I say this, because I am a mother of four grown children myself now, I know that that fairy tale relationship doesn’t exist. We as parents are only human and we do the best that we can. I know that my mother loves me dearly and has sacrificed a lot for me her entire life. I’m not blaming my mother for anything, just recognizing that our relationship had its ups and downs and whatever the relationship was before Alzheimer’s is amplified and highlighted once Alzheimer’s takes its hold.

Anyway, my point being, that this process is proving to be very painful for me. As a daughter, I have also done my best, and to have anyone think otherwise… is painful.

Of course, this isn’t the only area or time of my life when someone thought less than wonderful things about me… In fact, I have spent a majority of my life being told that I am wrong in one way or another. That I dress wrong… act wrong… live wrong… spend wrong… parent wrong… love wrong… wife wrong… do sex wrong (to put it less crudely so that this can be a PG blog, lol)… that my body looks wrong… counsel wrong…  and I could go on and on. There seems to be this general theme that I don’t know what I’m talking about. And I feel like I have fought my entire life to prove them all wrong.

Sometimes, its hard to tell what is truth and what isn’t. To me, that leaves me feeling like I am crazy.. Literally, losing my mind.

I try to make things match up in my mind and they just don’t and, admittedly, maybe this is where the flaw in the logic lies… I concede this. But allow me to expand on this idea for a moment, if you will… How can I be this magnificent being that I felt and believed myself to be a mere week ago and feel utterly and completely incompetent today?! I was so sure… but then the feedback I get from the world says something so different… Am I the crazy one? Am I delusional to think that I could be a grand being with a purpose here on this planet to heal people?

Sometimes… I get really tired of fighting to make things work…

to prove people wrong about me…

to be who I am…

to live this life.

Sometimes I just want to run away. And I have learned plenty of strategies over the years to accomplish this without actually doing this. And I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t considered literally running away at this point… I am at a crossroads in my life, ready to move and knowing the kids are taken care of and that I have no other ties or responsibilities, I have seriously considered selling ALL of my possessions, packing what I can into my car, and driving across the country. Hell, having said it this way, its a serious option worth considering!!!

However, I haven’t done that this time. No drink to take the edge off. No drugs to completely escape (although this hasn’t been a coping mechanism for 30 years now). I did eat chocolate and watch tv to escape somewhat while I cried. But mainly, I just cried. Then I got angry and I vented that a little. I let myself experience the emotions that surfaced… and still am. I reached out to a couple of friends.

And then I decided to write. Initially the idea of putting this much of myself out there for “the world” to see …. was…. scary, unfathomable, unacceptable, etc. But then I decided that if I was going to continue to Be My True Self, then it was important for me to share this part too. In fact, instead of calling off all my appointments for the day, staying in bed, and hiding from the world (which was also a serious consideration) I will go about all of my meetings and appointments today and not be ashamed to express how I am feeling and cry when I need to, even if other people are uncomfortable with it.

Besides, I believe that this is one of my purposes in this life. To be an example of how to Be My True Self.

But I Am Not Small

“This fleshy frame may be small… but I am not small.

I am amazed at times… the shift that my body… that my mind… goes through. There are times that I believe, from a really deep place, that I can conquer the world [if I wanted to] and that I can do anything. And there are other times when I feel SO small… that I can barely move. It is time for me to step out of that smallness and step into the magnitude of who I am meant to be. Other people see it. Other people know it. Somehow, somewhere, along the way, I was put into a box that I have struggled to get out of.. for what feels like… my entire life.”

This blog post is a perfect example. I recorded this about 4 days ago… I remember recording it. I remember the feeling I had at the time… like it exists in some far away place I visited lifetimes ago. But as I listened to it this morning to write this post… that seems like a different person entirely.

I do not have the same sense of assuredness that I had 4 days ago. If I ask myself if I believe it… I can tap into that place that “knows” and I can answer truthfully that I do. I just don’t feel it the same way.

And if I am not careful and intentional about remembering this… I slip into the forgetting and become the person that is curled up in the fetal position… in the corner of that box I was put in so long ago.

That is how I will stay out of that fucking box!! Careful attention and intention. Reminders that I AM NOT SMALL when I am Being My True Self.

A teacher I heard speak this past week made an excellent point. We are unique beings in the world with unique gifts to share with the world, and therefore there can be no comparing ourselves to other beings. I paraphrase, but this was my take away. And its so true. Our society compares attributes or traits or behaviors…  and we take that to mean that we are lacking in some way. But that is only a part of who I am.

When it comes down to it… At any given moment… I already am the best Me I can be. I am constantly learning and growing, whether I recognize or acknowledge it, which means that I am “better” today than I was yesterday.

So, no more box for me. My destined path includes helping others find their destined path… to reconnect to their True Selves and the unique gifts that they brought with them on this earthly journey. Being My True Self has never felt better!!! I am honored and grateful to be on this journey beside you and am happy to serve you in every way that I can.

Recovering Perfectionist

I have known that I am a perfectionist for many, many years now. I struggled with it all through childhood and into my early years as an adult. My father is a perfectionist, so I get it honest.

I remember the day I ran smack into my perfectionistic nature and realized that I was going to have to let go of it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I walked out of my bedroom in the little 3 bedroom ranch we lived in at the time. My oldest two daughters were about 4 years old and 1 year old. As I walked out, first thing in the morning, and I looked around at the chaos that was my living room… the thought that went off in my head is…. “I am never going to be able to keep up with this.”

At least not to the standard that was set in my head at that time. I got used to chaos and disarray and toys everywhere. It became the new norm. And after 20 years of living like this, I thought I had recoverED….

But… apparently not. As I prepare to sell my house and move to the next phase of my life, I found myself being held to a standard that was far above the one I had gotten so used to living in…. And I have been struggling to meet it!!! Oh, how I have struggled!!

I stopped myself a couple of times and asked myself if I really needed to be working toward this standard. And I decided, after lots of soul searching, that I did not, in fact, need to worry about trying to meet the incredibly high standards that were being set before me. I realized that it didn’t serve me and I decided to let go of it.

Yay me! You might say… well, I said that too. I was so proud of myself for letting go of the ideals that society had set and doing my own thing….

Until I realized that even with that, even with letting go of that incredibly high standard that was being set for me in one way …. I was still a perfectionist!! So, I wasn’t going to get all the little repairs done on my house that had been accumulating the past few years, but I could clean it and stage it. And I worked hard at that too. And I stressed over it and I did everything that I could physically do, including asking and receiving help.

And when it came down to the last day… the day before it was to go live, I looked around and all I could see was what I hadn’t gotten done… In my mind I had failed… yet again. I notified the realtor that it just wasn’t quite ready, but that I didn’t want to wait any longer. I left the house and she came in. She messaged me later and said “the house looks great, what were you so worried about?”

…. uh …. really? You think it looks great? Then what the fuck was I killing myself over, stressing about?! Oooooh… that’s right… I’m a perfectionist. But I’m a recovering one!! With each lesson like this I learn more and more and continue to make changes in how I see and interact with the world! Freeing up more time and space in my life and in my own head for Being My True Self!!