I Am Not Small

Anyone that knows me, in physical form, is right now reading this with a questioning look on their face. For in stature, I am short. By any standards. It’s ok, you can say it too, I’m not offended. It is a fact.

A fact, I am surprised to say, somehow hasn’t sunk in! Even after all these years on earth! Being told “Wow, you’re short!” Or “How’s the weather down there?” Or the variety of other comments people make about us.

People that meet me in ways other than face to face first, will then meet me and often be surprised to see that I come in such a small package.

But it’s ok, I get it. Because I’m still surprised when people comment on how short I am or I notice someone having to bend down to talk to me or hear me when I’m whispering. In those moments (I am amazed to say) I am reminded (as if I didn’t already know) that I am in a small package!

I say it that way because I am in no way, shape, or form small! My being… My soul… My True Self is not small at all! And regardless of whether you meet me on the phone the first time or in person, you will figure this out eventually. And I won’t apologize for surprising you or for you having to bend down, because it’s simply how I am packaged. And there is a big lesson in this packaging for me and one that I am just now embracing for what it is truly worth… The lesson that I am not small regardless of my package or what others think!!

Unsettled

As I have observed myself lately, I noticed that I have been up and down. This seems to be across the board, with everything in my life from mood to behavior… It feels a bit different than the usual kind of moodiness that I am used to and I’ve had trouble putting a finger on it.

I know that I just moved less than a month ago… from a house I had lived in for 12 years… the first house I bought by myself as a single parent… the house my kids did most of their growing up in… hell, the house I did most of MY growing up in!! The one that supported me through many different trials. The one that taught me to do so many things. The one I loved in and lost in. … Wow, I’ve never really thought about it like that… Wow!!

AND I just moved from the office space I’ve been in (not solely, but primarily) for the past 4 years. Again, less than a month ago. There are still a few boxes left to unpack at both the office and at home. But, for the most part, both are settling down quite nicely… no complaints with either. It is, however, a lot of major changes in a short amount of time.

So, I’ve been thinking that this feeling that I’m just staying for awhile that I’ve had… I figured that was normal and that it would begin to fade as I got into some daily living routines…. Wouldn’t it?

But, there is something else to this feeling that I have. And I realized today… that I feel more unsettled right now than I ever have, I’m pretty sure, in my entire life. There is a core part of me that is so afraid… of Everything! Of everything being different… of not knowing what’s next…

Then I realized something else… that alone is unsettling! I mean I am on the precipice of a huge change in my life. I’m in the midst of it and its there for the taking and what I want to be feeling at this point is exhilarated!!!!! Not afraid! I want to feel excited every day to see what is in store for me! to see what I can do and create! to see who I will meet!

That afraid part of me just said, “Yea, but, the old ways keep coming back.”, resurfacing… they’re trying to stop me. Well, I don’t know about that last partĀ even if old patterns are repeating (or trying to repeat, at least), but I don’t have to let that stuff affect me! I don’t have to let it keep me down! Because my True Self is ready to shine and show the world what its made of!

For right now, Being My True Self means doing things in spite of being afraid or unsure!