My Tribe, I Love You!!

After a lifetime of not feeling like I fit in anywhere, it is a wonderful feeling to have found my tribe!! Those people that are like me on a deeper level. Those people that accept me for who I am… even if they don’t understand all of it.

This is such a novel concept for me. I have felt like I was on the outside looking in… that sounds a bit cliche, but in this case it fits, so I’ll use it… I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in even when I worked really hard to look the part, put all the pieces together to make me like the others…

I know, why, right? Idk!! Honestly!! It goes back to the concept that we are handed or given a rulebook to live our lives by, that was written by someone else, for someone else…. which, by nature, can’t work, because the only rulebook that is right for me, could only be written by me! And I hadn’t written one yet!

Now that I have thrown that rulebook out, and started writing my own… well, I have an issue with the idea of living my life by a set of “rules”, so, I’m not writing a rulebook… I guess you could say that I’m writing a play book. Its full of the plays that I’ve tried… and how each of them turned out. Some of them were not what I had envisioned (I retire those as soon as I figure that out) and some have worked out fabulously (I am working on duplicating them whenever possible!)

So, back to the idea of my tribe. Now that I’m living my life based on my own play book, I am finding my tribe! And, again, I’m loving it!! It feels amazing to surround myself with them… and stay there. This is where my struggle comes in. Do I stay within my tribe? Or do I venture out? I mean, on the one hand, if I stay in my tribe am I going to be able to live out my life’s purpose? My True Self says no… But, I my human side or ego argues, but it took so long to find them! And, if we (this is my ego talking to me, me being My True Self…just roll with it for a moment, please) venture out too far, we may lose touch with who we really are again, do you really want to do that?

This is the struggle… how to maintain the integrity of the True Self while living our True Self’s life purpose… For me, being with my tribe bolsters the knowing of My True Self… helps me stay anchored, solidly, in the knowledge of who I am on a much deeper and larger level. When I’m with my tribe… I don’t have to sensor myself. I can show all the multi-faceted parts of who I am and I don’t have to worry that any of them will be challenged or judged. Actually, its the opposite, they are honored and valued!! This helps me then be able to go out into the world (so to speak) and live my life’s purpose, which includes helping others to be able to accept people that are different than them… to accept themselves for who they were meant to be! To see and accept their True Selves!!

And I can only do that when I am fully Being My True Self! Today that means acknowledging, honoring, and reveling in my tribe! You know who you are and I love you with every bit of stardust I’m made!!

Awkward…

I’m intuitive and also a masters level trained counselor. I can sense how someone is feeling and I know how to read nonverbal cues. As a result… I read people fairly well.

So…. I begin to wonder then how I can be so disconnected from people with whom I interact. I mean, there are times when I say something that seems to be taken in a completely different way than I intended.

As I write that, the first thought that comes to mind is that I am not responsible for how something I say is received or interpreted. And I fully believe this! The second thought that comes to mind is that being able to read people well does not necessarily mean that I will be good at imparting information! Which certainly seems to be the case sometimes!!

So… as I explore this concept…. what is that awkward moment? Why awkward? Well, this brings up that concept that there must be a “right” and a “wrong” way for it to go to be able to judge it as having gone poorly in order to be labeled awkward. So, lets let go of that idea and move on.

So what if its awkward anyway? Why is that even conceptualized as a bad thing? I think it is conceptualized because we feel judged in those moments. Whether it be from ourselves or from the other person. But so what?! Let it be awkward and lets just talk about it and get it out of the way!!!

This comes up because I have had these experiences over the course of my life and recently. And I have been trying to figure out how things got to be awkward in the first place. There is something that I believe contributes to this… a characteristic of myself, personality trait, whatever you want to call it. I tend to think that people are privy to my thoughts. Its almost like I am finishing or continuing, out loud, a conversation/thought that I started in my head. I don’t include all of the background information necessary for others to know what the hell I’m talking about. Or I assume that they are coming from the same mental space that I am in.

I learned this about myself a long time ago and it happens more when I am excited about something or a part of a conversation that is moving quickly where I don’t have time to include the context or just don’t realize I have slipped into this mode.

I am who I am on a very deep level and I’m done apologizing for that. If others want to judge me for this… then so be it. I am at a place in my life where I am ok letting those people go and moving on. I want to surround myself with people that accept me, quirks and all… and who are willing to tell me when they are offended by something I say, giving me an opportunity to correct the issue… 9 times out of 10 the thing they are offended by is taken out of context, admittedly because a lot of times I didn’t include the context. But just because I’m good at reading people doesn’t mean that I always do…  when I’m caught up in the moment, I don’t always catch it. I’m not offended or hurt by someone saying, “hey, I find that offensive.”

Today Being My True Self means accepting those parts of me that don’t always work well in this earthly experience and allowing them to be what they are, without judgement.

 

Turmoil and Confusion

PSA – This is raw and unedited.

In a place of confusion and turmoil… inner turmoil right now… To work so hard and to have nothing to show for it. To work so hard for sooooo very long and believe that you have conquered… and if not conquered… at least seriously dealt with something just to be told that it continues to hold you back.

What am I doing wrong? Am I relying too much on other people? Am I not relying enough? Why do things always seem to end up in the same place, regardless of my efforts?

As I say that, the counselor in me asks the questions… Well, where were you trying to go? What were you trying to accomplish? When I work with clients, I talk about the chosen path and the path we (as humans) often find ourselves on… they are two distinct paths and one (the chosen path) is generally very well developed and defined and people have worked very hard on this path… and the other path isn’t well defined at all and people often find themselves on the path without realizing how they got there… in many cases it isn’t really even much of a path, its more like being dropped down in the middle of an open field with no indications of which is the “right” way to go. Other times the second path is also well defined and people just can’t decide which one to take.

Generally speaking, the first path is generally the path that has been laid out for us, given to us, and we are expected to follow it. The second path is generally our soul’s true path. Sometimes we can see the true path well and other times not. Sometimes we choose the given path because its easier, quite simply…. Let’s face it, the soul’s path is not always meant to be easy or simple.

So, the counselor part of me wants to know where I am putting effort… which path am I focusing on…. And right now, I honestly couldn’t tell you which fucking path is which right now! Because it all feels like a riddle within a riddle within a fucking joke! Seriously! I mean I certainly haven’t always chosen the easier path, but maybe I should have…. Maybe what I thought was my soul’s voice was really just a programmed voice telling me what to do, telling me what is important… Maybe I’m not listening to myself enough… Hell, maybe I’m listening to myself too much!!

Either way, I have no idea what to do at the moment! I feel like I am floundering… like a bull in a china shop. I know that people enter our lives for particular reasons and specified periods of time… one of my favorite sayings is about mistaking a soul mate for a life lesson… And right now I feel like I’ve mistaken almost everything and everyone…

Basically right now… Being My True Self means Being with the feelings I am experiencing on this human level and not making any rash decisions… wait for this to calm down so I can get back in touch with My True Self again and hear her voice once again.

What’s In A Name?

Sometimes.. Everything… and sometimes, not much at all.

I was reminded recently that my mother intended for me to have a different name, almost right up until the moment I was born. I was to be “Dawn Michelle”… Then, as the story goes, my mother saw a movie and either a character or an actress was named “Danielle” and she decided in that moment that would be my first name and to shift my original first name of Dawn to my middle name. Thus, when I was born, I was named “Danielle Dawn”.

This has almost always made me think of that song by…. no idea who…. but the song “Delta Dawn”. As a kid growing up in the 70s, I would change the words to be my name instead, “Danielle Dawn, what’s that flower you have on… could it be ….” however the rest of it goes, it escapes me in this moment.

Regardless, as I was reminded of this recently, I began to think about the two names…. try them on for size, so to speak… saying each name … writing each name (kind of like you do when you imagined being Mrs. So-and-So when you were a teenager or gave yourself a stage name, lol).

There was a part of me that felt like choosing “Dawn” was an easy way out. “Danielle” had already had all these life experiences… difficult ones… ones that I would like to forget… well, at least sometimes. Choosing a different name seems like I’m trying to dodge something or get away from something.

I checked the numerology of the two names though and the Life Path number is the exact same. The only thing that is different is personality expression, basically, of the shortened version which would be “Dawn” instead of “Danielle”.

Anyway, as I would say each name, “Danielle” and then “Dawn”… this is what I felt. “Danielle” felt like something I was putting on… like a suit of armor or a piece of clothing… or a disguise…. it was a strange feeling… I literally felt like the energy was blanketing me on the outside. Then when I would say “Dawn”…. I felt like my insides tingled…. No… seriously! I’m not making this up! My insides felt like they came to life! My soul really resonated with the name “Dawn”!!

In this journey to discovering how to Be My True Self… I think I’ve discovered My True Self’s name… It’s Dawn. I imagine that my mother heard this and knew it from the moment she either knew she was having a girl or, at least, what she would call a girl if she had one… and then something intervened… not enough to change my whole life path (that had to be the same), but enough to change how I expressed myself in the first part of my life? Maybe. Or maybe to protect me in some way… to allow “Dawn” to keep its innocence and Light…

You know what?!? That’s how I feel when I think of Dawn… like it has a light all its own! Like it shines without holding back! Like it shines from some place deep inside me from a source that is eternal… That would be me!! That would Be My True Self!!

Dawn