Today has some heavy energy… Or its just me. Which is the point of this post… is it perspective or reality.
I have been kind of hyper aware of my relationships recently. Paying attention to nuances and such. I supposed I have always done this… yea, I’ve always tended to be over analytical. But it has a different feeling this time. I have a new sense of self to bring to the whole process. Which is progress, in my book.
As I do this I have found that I do not accept myself. I am not ok with myself. I do not see myself as worthy… because of this, I have always attracted others that don’t see my worth either. In a way, mirroring what I feel about myself. I believe in this concept and this is what I have been working on. Even though I have this awareness and have been more recently attracting people that do see my worth, I still don’t see it in myself, on some very deep level.
Whatever is going on right now is allowing me to see this, allowing it to surface, and its a major struggle. It brings doubt to my mind about all my relationships… and while there is a part of me that knows I am projecting my own feelings of self doubt and a sense of worthlessness onto people… there is another part of me that just believes that they are disappointed in me. Immensely disappointed. Kind of like I have failed them as a friend, lover, colleague… as a human being.
Its a sickening feeling.
So… perception or reality…. I could check and see. And in some cases I have done this, expressed this feeling out loud. But, ironically, there is a part of me that says that is a weak thing to do… something a worthless human being would do. I mean, you know better, so why can’t you figure this out and do it for yourself?! Damn good question if I do say so myself.
Holy Fuck! Seriously!? I am incredibly frustrated with this looping process and at the same time compassionate with it because it tells me that there is a very real thing that I am dealing with. Its just figuring out what that thing is exactly and wrangling it into submission or extinction. And I have ideas about what I think this thing is… some are of my own making and others come from said relationships in my life, all of whom I value and take seriously.
So, once again, it loops back on itself and gets confusing and the question of perception or reality comes up again!!!
Today, Being My True Self means back to basics… taking care of myself on a very basic level. I believe I will start this off with a nap.