The Cliff

Having just returned from an amazing, enlightening, moving, breakthrough, transformational weekend of connecting with beautiful souls and getting in touch with my own…

Where I was on the highest high, feeling like I was one with the universe…

And conversely seriously low as I confronted some of my most well developed inner demons and WON!! …

I sit here feeling….

Feeling what? Probably running the gamut, actually. But it feels like I was on the mountain top socializing and communing with angels all weekend. Learning about them, connecting with them on a very deep, spiritual level, laughing and shedding tears with them. Connecting to the universe and feeling like we were all one.

We were all learning about ourselves at the same time and our own path. Learning how to find our path, to navigate it. As I found my path, which I certainly did… well, to be more accurate, I reconnected with my path. And as I did and as I learned more, the path became clearer and clearer, more clear than its ever been in my entire life. I could actually see it happening and feel it happening.

And I have never, never felt more alive!!!

I decided I was ready to start going down my path. And I did. And as I look around, I can see all the angels going down their paths. We’re all supportive of one another, cheering each other on, picking each other up when we fall or stumble. Its all so beautiful… I don’t want to shut my eyes and at the same time I want to shut my eyes to just be with the feeling.

Then… it happens… as I’m going down my path, I see it. The cliff. I almost didn’t though, I almost walked off it because I was so caught up in the beauty of it all. So, I stopped.. and I looked around questioning whether I had gone the right way or not. I even went back along the path a little ways… just to see if I’d taken a wrong turn… Nope, this was definitely the way. But… Its a cliff. Like… there’s nothing there… or if there is something there, I can’t see it through the misty fog below… way below.

As I look around I see them.. the gremlins. They are the stuff from nightmares.. or horror movies.. ghostly, wispy, creepy-ass gremlins that are coming up my legs, sneaking up behind me, whispering in my ear, telling me I went the wrong way, that its not safe here, that I need to go back where I came from. And for a moment, I believe them… I hang my head and start back down the path. Until one of the angels sees me and guides me back onto my path.

And I’m in front of the cliff again… with all my angel friends behind me… I just take a giant leap off the cliff with my eyes squeezed tightly shut… and wait to see what happens.

I feel myself weightless. Wondering whats happened, I open my eyes and I see my angel friends have caught me and they are carrying me… because my wings aren’t ready to fly by themselves yet.

So, what’s beyond the mist? I don’t know… but its fucking beautiful up here and I am just enjoying the journey and can’t wait to see what is on the other side.

Today, Being My True Self means leaping even when I’m not sure what will happen and having the faith in my soul’s knowing.

Comfort food? Or Lying Bastard food?

This has been showing up in my life for some time, but has been at the forefront of my mind the last couple of days and showing up in my life…. Thus… let’s talk 😉

What is a treat? Ever think about it? I find myself saying that I’m going to treat myself. However, what I’ve noticed is what I’m going to treat myself to… Often it is food… and generally it isn’t greens. For me that means candy. But often it is those comfort foods.. the foods that “make me feel better”…

But what am I really doing? I mean, what am I treating myself to? A belly ache? Joint pain (if it’s gluten)? Diarrhea (if it’s nightshades)? Yes. To all of these. That is exactly what I ended up treating myself too. Sooooo many times. Even when I knew that it was going to happen.

Those “make me feel better” comfort foods… What a misnomer?! 1. Those foods don’t change what happened to cause me to want to “feel better”. 2. If they do impact my mood, its not in a positive direction. 3. They make me feel worse physically and hurt my body! So, comfort food should be renamed to … I don’t even know, “Lying Bastard Foods”, maybe. (Perfect title, btw, I’m totally using it!)

And where does this idea of treating ourselves come from anyway? Doesn’t it make more sense to be nice to myself all the time? I mean, if I have to bribe myself to get myself to do something… maybe it would be better to just not do that thing to start with! Radical idea! Or at least allow myself to do those things that nice often enough that I’ve got the energy and resources for those things that aren’t as fun.

Today, Being My True Self means identifying those things that don’t resonate with me, in whatever way, and saying no to them and Yes! to My True Self!

Focus or Flow?

I struggle with this on a regular! It seems to me that I am either very focused or very in the flow… But rarely both. Seems as if I have been this way my whole life.

I certainly can be focused… granted, my ADHD type brain does wrestle with this one more than the other. But I do get focused. Grad school and research papers certainly is proof positive of that. In fact, at times I am hyper-focused… like a dog with a bone kind of focused… bordering on obsessive. And when I’m in this frame of mind I can crank out some work …

When I’m in the flow, I am doing what feels right in the moment… In the flow is the most natural state of Being that I am aware exists. Flow is bigger than this though. Flow is about allowing things to be and exist… whatever that looks like. It means not struggling against what is, to make it what we think it “should” be. Its about listening to the universe, guides… My True Self, and following its guidance.

Focus is certainly the one that is more associated with work, but I can get very focused on play things as well… a new video game, for instance, or crafting project, when I get a new idea.

And Flow is associated more with play. But there are certainly times when I am in the flow and its not particularly fun… even though I can accept things for what they are, I don’t always like them.

This distinction though…. Where does it come from? I think, in general, we associated focus more with work, because a lot of the times we would rather be playing. In these moments we have trouble focusing, because our bodies are asking… sometimes begging for something else. But because we feel like we “have to” do something else, we ignore our bodies and force it to do something else instead. And why? Many times its because someone else said it was more important than what we wanted to do.

I know this is true for me. In fact, I think I lived many years of my life doing what other people thought was important… never even asking myself what I thought was important… At times I thought I was doing what I thought was important, it just turned out that it wasn’t actually my idea. As a result, I became so deficient in fun/play, that when I finally did start asking myself what I wanted, the only answer it seems I ever got was “play.”

I guess … what I just figured out… is that what I’m really wrestling with isn’t between being focus and flow, it’s the same old struggle of Being My True Self and identifying what is important to me and actually listening!!

Today, Being My True Self means getting in the Flow of life and living out my soul’s desire!!

The Voices in My Head

Lol… Mental health joke… It’s ok, I’m a mental health professional and I am not truly making fun of psychosis. And I don’t have literal voices in my head.

I’m talking about the voices of all the people in my life that have influenced me in some way over the years. Sometimes all those voices make it really difficult for me to hear my own voice.

When I was younger this caused me issues… many times… when it was time to make a decision. What would happen is that when I was trying to decide something, I would hear someone else ideas more loudly than I heard my own… leading me to make decisions that weren’t truly right for me. And a lot of grief… at least at the time. Now, I am able to see the wisdom gained from those experiences… lessons, rather, but dang they were painful.

Over the years I started to recognize my own voice… but, truth be told, it was a while. And it was a slow process. It really feel like I woke up… quite literally… one day and went, “Who am I? And what am I doing?”

But, from that point forward, I could feel myself being propelled forward… toward my destiny, so to speak… really its more like, toward my true path.

And its so interesting to me now, to look back, and realize that I started on this path as a teenager. When I was a teenager, I decided I wanted to help people. I wanted to be on the suicide hotline (this came after my own issues of low self esteem and thoughts of suicide). I even called them and was told that I had to be 18. But, it solidified in my mind what I wanted to pursue as a career. So…. I was all prepared to do just that when some influential voices in my life voiced a concern about my desire and gently suggested that I choose something that had more potential to actually become a way to make a living. Naturally, I started college with an engineering major… (I see your eyebrows going up :)…  I am also good at math, so, naturally, engineering was a logical choice and had more potential as it was a growing field at the time).

Needless to say, I am not an engineer today and that career path ended rather disastrously as my junior year of college I began failing my engineering classes.

This is all good. I see it all as a blessing that lead me right where I am today. I am thankful for the experiences and know that they are what make me who I am. I went on later in life, to come back to where I left off, after I could more clearly hear my own voice… my soul’s voice… and finished college with a B.S. in Psychology and went on to obtain a Master’s degree in Counseling.

Being My True Self  means finding my voice in all the voices in my head…

Ownership

Owning what’s mine… including the good stuff!!

I have always had a problem accepting a compliment. I used to dodge them or deflect them. Maybe you know what I mean. Someone says they like your clothes and you say, “This old thing?! I’ve had it forever.” I used to do that… until someone pointed out that what I was doing, in essence, was telling that person that they have bad taste in clothes…. I was dumbfounded.. shocked.. and suddenly felt guilty for every time I had said that to someone in the past.

I vowed, “No more!!” And I haven’t. I might say, “Oh, I’ve had this forever, its my favorite too!”, but I don’t put down the compliment or the person giving it. So, I realize now that I didn’t really get better at accepting compliments, I just got better at not insulting people… which I certainly never wanted or strove to be good at!

I have continued to work on this over the years. But recently I realized that I avoid getting compliments… I will stay in the shadows, so to speak, to avoid someone noticing me. Sometimes. I don’t always do this. When I am fully in Being My True Self, I don’t think about things like this and I dress and behave exactly how I want to and don’t worry if someone notices me or not. However, it is an issue. For whatever reason, there are times when I don’t want to be noticed or complimented.

When I am complimented in these moments… I can feel myself shrinking inside… kind of looking around to see who they are talking about, because they couldn’t possibly be talking about me. So… what is that…? When I ask that question, the answer I get is that there is some part of me that doesn’t believe its true, that it can’t possibly be true. Some part of me that believes I am small and insignificant…

Wow… But there it is…. the truth that gets in my way, the way to Being My True Self. I can see (in my mind’s eye) My True Self skipping along my path when this belief pops up… sometimes like it sticks a foot out to trip her and others like a brick wall that seems at first glance impossible to get over/around/under.

So! Today, Being My True Self means owning what is mine, including the compliments! Which, really, are just other people recognizing something that is already there, that already exists, that is already true…. its them connecting with that truth in a very authentic way. And THAT is beautiful!!!

Too Damaged?

I started this writing a few months ago… Wondering about this idea of being “too damaged”… Is it possible to be too damaged? Too damaged by the life experiences one is exposed to in the process of learning and becoming all that we set out to accomplish?… I don’t believe it is…

Yet, I wonder sometimes. Maybe on one level it is possible to be “too damaged”… But, its not really that we get to be “too damaged”. That would be the words that we have found to describe it. Maybe that’s the problem I have with the phrase.

I think that there are times when people act or behave in a way that seems to be counter to our life’s purpose as a whole. But, I believe that some experiences are simply too much for some souls to bear. And they lose sight of their intended goal.

I think the phrase is misnomer. I don’t think its possible to be too damaged. I do believe that I have experienced things in my life that will mean that some people won’t get me. And I think, many times, those are the people that would say that I am too damaged. Or, I have found myself saying this to myself.. usually when I was trying to fit into a group of people that couldn’t get me and then felt left out or ostracized… and my conclusion was that there was something wrong with me.

But, there is no such thing as “too damaged”. There just “is”. On this journey of Being My True Self, this is one of the things I have discovered and come to believe. I am who I am. And I express myself the way I do, in part, because of my life experiences, and it may be different than … everyone else. I believe what I believe, again, in part, because of my life experiences, and yes, it is a slanted, biased view… because its mine…

All of these things are also influenced by my soul … My True Self … and the way my soul chose to express itself in this lifetime … the lessons my soul wanted to learn … the lessons my soul is working on … The closer I get to Being My True Self, to allowing myself to be who I am without questioning or doubting, the more and more I look like my soul. Which is beautiful beyond words. (So is yours.)

Listening to Openness

Sometimes Being My True Self means listening…

Listening to what? Listening to your favorite music.. that music that makes  you cry or laugh… that makes you dance in the shower or in your car (yes, its possible to dance in the car while you are driving).

Listening to those around you when you are in the store.. their conversations, whether they are on the phone or conversing with someone they are with. Listening to a friend… if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate them.

Listening to all the non-verbal communication. I may take this a bit for granted. It does happen to be something I am fairly good at naturally, but my training in counseling fine tuned it. I don’t even know I am listening in this way much of the time, I suspect. However, it is very important. Think of the times when you knew your partner was angry and they hadn’t said a word. It can be helpful to pay attention to the details that lead you to that conclusion. It is fallible, by the way, so you can’t trust it 100%, but it can be helpful and at the very least can lead to a conversation that is helpful in sorting out miscommunication.

Listening to my body… I have worked very hard to develop this one. This one probably came naturally to me as a child, but through my life, society and culture beat it out of me. Told me to listen to them rather than my body. And I did. And I got so out of touch with my body that it got sick… Listening to western medicine did not help which lead me on a journey to discover for myself what was best for me and my body.

But, when it comes to listening, maybe one of the most important things to listen to is spirit… and our own soul (which is closely connected to spirit, intricately so). Listening to those super subtle nudgings to go a certain way or do a specific thing… at the time you may even wonder where the thought came from. Those come from the very deepest part of us. And they have a wisdom that comes from being able to see the bigger… biggest picture… and how we fit into it. Sometimes its scary to do the things that come to us in this way, but they are in our best interest and sometimes even in the best interest of mankind.

Listening to this deep part of me, My True Self, is not easy. I miss stuff all the time!! I know I do because later I can see what I missed (usually as I kick myself). But, when you follow the rainbow that shows up, right in front of you, when you are trying to figure out if this thing you’re about to do is a good idea or not… Follow the Rainbow! But first, be open to signs like this that will help lead you along your chosen path… Being My True Self means listening to that deep inner voice guiding me to be everything I was meant to be… in this lifetime and beyond!

As always, with Light and Love