Fighting to Fit In

Did you feel like you had to fight to fit in when you were in high school? I did! It seems like I tried every cliche there was at my high school… and none of them seemed to fit me.

At some point, I think I realized I simply wasn’t going to fit in and I just got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I did a work study thing my senior year of high school so I only had to spend half a day in school … and went to work the other half.

I thought it would end there. And I started college… I wasn’t really ready, but maybe I didn’t fit in there either and high tailed it out of there too. Then took a year off and came back to college. Still didn’t fit in… I didn’t live on campus and had to work full time to pay for school, so I didn’t get that “college experience” like everyone else in my classes. I also wasn’t in the right major… so this may have had something to do with that now familiar feeling… Once again, not fitting in.

As a mother of young children, I tried to fit in there too… didn’t seem to work. Unlike many of the other stay at home moms, I longed to have a career (doesn’t mean I didn’t love my children or love my time with them). I just wasn’t into what the other moms were into.

When I was finally able to return to college, in the major I had always wanted, psychology…. I think I was with people that finally thought like me, but I was a decade older than everyone in my classes! So… once again… didn’t fit in.

In grad school, while the age thing didn’t seem like as much of a thing, I was the one of maybe a few that had children… seemed like everyone else was in a different place in life somehow.

By now, I’m guessing you see a theme… I do…

The last decade has been so full of working and taking care of children that there hasn’t been much time for anything else. But as I reflect on my current situation, I recognize that I am finally finding people that are a good fit for me…. individuals here and there that accept me for who I am and even celebrate me. I’ve found a couple of communities that are full of people with similar interests or values and I think “wow, I’ve finally found my people.”

Then… something happens… may be an event or may just be a shift that I perceive… but either way, I begin to feel like I don’t fit in again. In one case, I think it was a perceived difference… me recognizing that I had one thing in common, but otherwise was still very different from most of the people in that community.

Most recently though, I caught myself feeling like I was fighting to fit in again… wanting to be accepted by people that I saw as the “cool kids”… and when that acceptance didn’t come, feeling like I was fighting to prove that I belong….

I honestly don’t even know what the answer is to this question I’m pondering… I just know that today… Being My True Self means wrestling with the part of me that feels a need to fight to fit in… or doesn’t feel like it doesn’t fit in…. or even cares if it fits in… or cares about the cool kids… or …. yea…. that.

Love & Light Always