I know a lot of people have this thought.. Maybe I am the crazy one. I’ve heard people say “Well, you are the common denominator.” But also, “If you can ask the question, then you aren’t crazy.”
Regardless of which one you believe to be true, there are times when all I want to do is run away.. avoid reality… sometimes the pain of life simply seems to be too much. Having a parent with Alzheimer’s will do that to you…. and I do understand that the paranoia is part of the illness.. But add to it that the relationship isn’t the fairy tale relationship we all have in our minds… And trust me when I say this, because I am a mother of four grown children myself now, I know that that fairy tale relationship doesn’t exist. We as parents are only human and we do the best that we can. I know that my mother loves me dearly and has sacrificed a lot for me her entire life. I’m not blaming my mother for anything, just recognizing that our relationship had its ups and downs and whatever the relationship was before Alzheimer’s is amplified and highlighted once Alzheimer’s takes its hold.
Anyway, my point being, that this process is proving to be very painful for me. As a daughter, I have also done my best, and to have anyone think otherwise… is painful.
Of course, this isn’t the only area or time of my life when someone thought less than wonderful things about me… In fact, I have spent a majority of my life being told that I am wrong in one way or another. That I dress wrong… act wrong… live wrong… spend wrong… parent wrong… love wrong… wife wrong… do sex wrong (to put it less crudely so that this can be a PG blog, lol)… that my body looks wrong… counsel wrong… and I could go on and on. There seems to be this general theme that I don’t know what I’m talking about. And I feel like I have fought my entire life to prove them all wrong.
Sometimes, its hard to tell what is truth and what isn’t. To me, that leaves me feeling like I am crazy.. Literally, losing my mind.
I try to make things match up in my mind and they just don’t and, admittedly, maybe this is where the flaw in the logic lies… I concede this. But allow me to expand on this idea for a moment, if you will… How can I be this magnificent being that I felt and believed myself to be a mere week ago and feel utterly and completely incompetent today?! I was so sure… but then the feedback I get from the world says something so different… Am I the crazy one? Am I delusional to think that I could be a grand being with a purpose here on this planet to heal people?
Sometimes… I get really tired of fighting to make things work…
to prove people wrong about me…
to be who I am…
to live this life.
Sometimes I just want to run away. And I have learned plenty of strategies over the years to accomplish this without actually doing this. And I would be lying if I said that I hadn’t considered literally running away at this point… I am at a crossroads in my life, ready to move and knowing the kids are taken care of and that I have no other ties or responsibilities, I have seriously considered selling ALL of my possessions, packing what I can into my car, and driving across the country. Hell, having said it this way, its a serious option worth considering!!!
However, I haven’t done that this time. No drink to take the edge off. No drugs to completely escape (although this hasn’t been a coping mechanism for 30 years now). I did eat chocolate and watch tv to escape somewhat while I cried. But mainly, I just cried. Then I got angry and I vented that a little. I let myself experience the emotions that surfaced… and still am. I reached out to a couple of friends.
And then I decided to write. Initially the idea of putting this much of myself out there for “the world” to see …. was…. scary, unfathomable, unacceptable, etc. But then I decided that if I was going to continue to Be My True Self, then it was important for me to share this part too. In fact, instead of calling off all my appointments for the day, staying in bed, and hiding from the world (which was also a serious consideration) I will go about all of my meetings and appointments today and not be ashamed to express how I am feeling and cry when I need to, even if other people are uncomfortable with it.
Besides, I believe that this is one of my purposes in this life. To be an example of how to Be My True Self.