PSA – This is raw and unedited.
In a place of confusion and turmoil… inner turmoil right now… To work so hard and to have nothing to show for it. To work so hard for sooooo very long and believe that you have conquered… and if not conquered… at least seriously dealt with something just to be told that it continues to hold you back.
What am I doing wrong? Am I relying too much on other people? Am I not relying enough? Why do things always seem to end up in the same place, regardless of my efforts?
As I say that, the counselor in me asks the questions… Well, where were you trying to go? What were you trying to accomplish? When I work with clients, I talk about the chosen path and the path we (as humans) often find ourselves on… they are two distinct paths and one (the chosen path) is generally very well developed and defined and people have worked very hard on this path… and the other path isn’t well defined at all and people often find themselves on the path without realizing how they got there… in many cases it isn’t really even much of a path, its more like being dropped down in the middle of an open field with no indications of which is the “right” way to go. Other times the second path is also well defined and people just can’t decide which one to take.
Generally speaking, the first path is generally the path that has been laid out for us, given to us, and we are expected to follow it. The second path is generally our soul’s true path. Sometimes we can see the true path well and other times not. Sometimes we choose the given path because its easier, quite simply…. Let’s face it, the soul’s path is not always meant to be easy or simple.
So, the counselor part of me wants to know where I am putting effort… which path am I focusing on…. And right now, I honestly couldn’t tell you which fucking path is which right now! Because it all feels like a riddle within a riddle within a fucking joke! Seriously! I mean I certainly haven’t always chosen the easier path, but maybe I should have…. Maybe what I thought was my soul’s voice was really just a programmed voice telling me what to do, telling me what is important… Maybe I’m not listening to myself enough… Hell, maybe I’m listening to myself too much!!
Either way, I have no idea what to do at the moment! I feel like I am floundering… like a bull in a china shop. I know that people enter our lives for particular reasons and specified periods of time… one of my favorite sayings is about mistaking a soul mate for a life lesson… And right now I feel like I’ve mistaken almost everything and everyone…
Basically right now… Being My True Self means Being with the feelings I am experiencing on this human level and not making any rash decisions… wait for this to calm down so I can get back in touch with My True Self again and hear her voice once again.