With Awe and Wonder…

There have been many times in my life when I identified a goal… something I wanted… Direction! Purpose! Awesome!?

But… then I would consistently find myself on some other path… completely in another direction from my stated goal or desire. What is this? What am I doing over here? I don’t know how this happened, because I want to be over there!

I used to think that I just wasn’t strong enough, that I didn’t have the will power, that I didn’t have the drive, that I didn’t have what it takes to succeed… I thought, AND I was told, that something was wrong with me. Ok, something is wrong with me… let’s fix this, get a Franklin planner, get organized, get motivated, DO (remember the doing I talked about before?!) more of this, DO less of that…

Is that true though? Is something really wrong with me? I mean something is going on, obviously…. i have identified a goal, a path… and… yet I find myself some place else… so there is something going on!

It took me a looooong time to figure out that it wasn’t me, that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. There ISsomething wrong with the path though. That stated, identified desire or goal? That’s where the problem lay.

When I started looking at it (many years later, with hindsight)… I could see it… the problem was, I was listening to something other than my True Self. I was listening to other people, rather than what my True Self was trying to tell me.

When I first started college, right out of high school… I started with a major in engineering, Industrial Engineering, the least of the mechanical, technical kinds of engineering, its a kind of managerial type of engineering… Hmmm… Which was, no doubt, a clue, had I been listening… *sigh* with a minor in psychology. (I have been interested in psychology since I was a teenager… the story of Sybil FASCINATED me to no end!)

So, that interest was there, right from the start. I knew I was interested in psychology and even though i was going to major in engineering (because there was no money in psychology and I was good at math), I didn’t want to completely give up my interest in psychology. But… often…  I would find myself spending my time reading my psych books rather than putting my time into my mechanical engineering class.

At the time, I just kept pushing forward because that was my identified goal, and obviously, the end result is that I didn’t do well in those classes.. failed some of them even. No surprise there, looking back on it, but I didn’t see it that way then… all I saw was that I was a failure, I was failing to attain my identified goal, to stay on my identified path.

Now….  well, I was gonna say that life took me in a different direction, but my True Self probably intervened or allowed that to happen because it wasn’t what my True Self wanted.

Anyway, I went down a different path for awhile. Twelve years later I found myself with the opportunity to go back to school and the ONLY thing I wanted to study was psychology! I didn’t know what I was going to do other than study psychology. I think some people probably said or asked me what my 5 year or 10 year plan was… and I probably said, I don’t know, and said it in such a way as to say “And I don’t want to hear it! This is what I’m doing! End of discussion!” I didn’t know why then, I just KNEW.

That voice… my True Self’s voice was sooooo strong … with regard to this, in particular. But I ignored it…  its true that I didn’t ignore it completely, but I didn’t allow it to flourish either. And on top of that, I told myself something was wrong with me! As soon as we do things like that, we feel so bad about ourselves that we need to do something to compensate for it. We need something that makes us feel better…. addictions come into play… foods, maybe drugs, alcohol, relationships, anything to try to feel better. But its just a distraction. … … If we just listen to what our True Self is telling us and follow its guidance, regardless of what others say, things go so much more smoothly!!!

I didn’t know then where it would go back then, I just knew, on some really deep level, that that’s what I wanted to do, that that is what I was MEANT to do. I KNOW what I’m supposed to do now. And I still don’t know exactly what its gonna look like. But that’s ok. I know it has something to do with psychology and helping people and I’m just gonna keep moving forward and I’m gonna keep listening to my True Self. I’m gonna listen with awe and wonder and I’m gonna watch what unfolds for me. Its an exciting journey!! What does your journey look like?!

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I am on a journey .... By title I am a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. I have been called friend, girlfriend, wife, mom... among other labels. But I am a loving, caring being that lives through these labels and titles to help and heal others while I am here.

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