Heartbreak? Naw, Just Information!!

Whew! That’s no fun, right?! Thinking back to a time when I experienced Holiday Heartbreak…

I remember crying for hours on end… behind closed doors. For me, it was about keeping up appearances through the holidays… It was the most heart-wrenching part of the whole thing. The relationship was something that I wanted soooo, so badly at the time… that I didn’t want to let go of it. But, at the same time, even then, I knew it wasn’t right for me.

How did I get through? Well… at the time, like I said, I shed a lot of tears. I ended up in a pretty deep and all encompassing depression that … probably lasted for months following the holidays. I just wallowed in self-pity, wondering what was wrong with me, why my relationships always ended up like this no matter what I did, why I wasn’t good enough.. pretty enough.. sexy enough… But, as time went on, I started to come out of it… slowly at first…

What I did, was begin to take stock. Stock of what I really wanted in my life… what I felt like was missing, now that this person was gone from my life (at least in the capacity they were in). As I did this, I reflected on my needs and started looking for ways to fill those needs. That spring, I piled the kids in the car, spur of the moment, and we headed out of town to go hiking in a national park that was about an 8 hour drive from home. It was an amazing trip that they still talk about to this day! What was I missing? Connection… with other humans (and I decided to start with the little ones closest to me) and with nature… I’d been missing that too. Having re-established those connections… I moved on…

Next… I tackled the need for sex (since that need was showing up in a big way by then!) I threw abandon to the wind (not completely, I remained safe… quite literally as in “safe sex”, but also in how I met new people, online mostly!) I allowed myself to do things I had only dreamed of so far… fantasized about. I did things I had always been told were things only “bad” girl’s did. I had a ton of fun! But most importantly… I learned SO MUCH about myself!!! I learned that I liked having multiple relationships at the same time (always ethically, thanks to the book The Ethical Slut)! I learned the difference between cheap, meaningless sex and sex with connection… what chemistry feels like when you find it… I learned to say “no” and set healthy boundaries for myself.

Through this process of exploration… I found someone that I connected with on a spiritual level… had amazing sexual chemistry with… loved more deeply than I ever had before… someone that challenged me to be the best me I can be just by being who they are! I know that I never would have found that if I had not allowed myself to be open to what the universe has to offer…. more accurately, what the universe wants for me! I have learned so much in this relationship also… about myself and about relationships. Not just romantic relationships either… It goes way deeper than that (but that is for another day and another post.)

If I knew then, what I know now, what would I have done differently during that holiday season, right after my breakup? This….

  1. I would remind myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me. Period! The ending of a relationship simply means that we were not a good match for each other. That there isn’t anything wrong with either one of us… we just wanted different things. This is just information that is truth.
  2. Reflect on what I learned in the relationship. It gives me more information about what I want and don’t want in a relationship. Its just information.
  3. I would allow myself time to reflect on myself; to identify things about myself, mainly what my needs are, what’s most important to me. Its just important to stay in touch with this information.
  4. I would use holiday times with family to reflect on my childhood, my family of origin, and the dynamics in those relationships. I would identify family relationship patterns and see if those are playing a factor in how I relate in my own relationships as an adult. This is just tactical information.
  5. Use the holiday time to create deeper connections with the people that are in my life already; reconnecting with old friends, getting to know newer friends better, and allow myself to feel the love and support that is already in my life. This is just valuable information.

At the end of the day… Being My True Self means collecting as much information about myself and my life experiences as I can, so that I can create the life my soul came here to have!!

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I am on a journey .... By title I am a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. I have been called friend, girlfriend, wife, mom... among other labels. But I am a loving, caring being that lives through these labels and titles to help and heal others while I am here.

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