As I lie here tonight, wishing I was with my people… I am once again reminded of all the times in my life when I didn’t fit in. Which really has been most of my life. It seemed no matter what I did or what I tried, I wasn’t accepted.
This phenomenon has continued, right up to today. When my gremlins are loudly speaking in my ear, telling me that I don’t belong. Even with my people…. the people I have longed for my entire life. The people with whom I finally began to feel like I belonged… like there actually was a place for me in the world.
These gremlins find what they believe to be evidence to support their claims that I am not worthy. That my people are just being nice and tolerating me… putting up with me.
And as I lie here with these thoughts running amok in my head and feeling more and more down… something hits me.
It’s not about being accepted! It’s not even about finding my people. It’s about Being My True Self. I know I say that every time, but I mean truly, it really is only about being me.
When I’m me, things line up… things go smoothly… the words come easily… when I’m me, I don’t have to be accepted… by anyone… even a master Buddhist monk (or some other equally enlightened human).
When I’m me, the people that I am meant to interact with, meant to get to know deeply… those I have soul connections with, be it for lessons or karma, will find me. And if I’m meant to experience something we generally think of as distasteful… well, then, I can’t dodge it anyway, so might as well go ahead and walk into the “fire” and get it over with… rip that bandaid off.
I mean, who the fuck and I trying to impress?! I’m Just trying to be me… the best me that I can be, following my true path …. I’m just Being My True Self! And today that means letting go of trying to impress anyone. If you like me… great, I love you. If you don’t… great, I love you.
As Always, In Light & Service