Existential Moment

Ever have that feeling that you aren’t in your body?? Like what is happening … is just happening around you, but doesn’t include you?

Yea… that’s how I’m feeling. I know there are some major energetic shifts and things happening in the universe… and this full moon on top of the already powerful astrological shifts … is just super powerful-er. It’s also daylight savings time and even though I’m tired-ish, I’m weirdly wide awake… Apparently I am a bundle of contradictions at the moment.

What do I do when that happens? I write, of course! Lol. I have been inwardly focused today. In the flow. Some great ideas are coming to me, but still don’t have a great way to get those ideas down on paper yet. They tend to just spin around in my head.

I know what I want to do, just not sure how to get there.

Things are on the move in my life… shifting and changing… not in the ways I thought I wanted them to go… In ways that in the past would have had me freaking out by now… but, I’m not. And I’m not attached to the outcomes; I’m letting go. Been watching my language a lot lately, making sure that I’m talking positively about everything that is happening. Synchronicities abound!

Amazing how easy it is to get caught up in gremlin thinking… thinking that there is something wrong with us and saying things to ourselves like “I’ve screwed everything up, done everything wrong.” And feeling like an utter failure as a result. I know this is not true of me. I am embracing that I do things differently than most. I love this about myself. However, when I look to the future…. I see all the things I’ve done in the past and all the ways I’ve chosen to do things… and all the silt on the bottom gets churned up and I’m in a whirlwind of gremlins again, fighting to keep my feet on the ground.

Why do I have to wait? Wait for someone else? I don’t, is the answer. yet…. I want to. I want to wait. I’m kind of tired doing it all by myself. I want to relax. I don’t want to have to worry any more. I want it to be easier, more simple. Once again… there is only one way that that is going to happen… and that is if I do it. Make some decisions and do it! Move on!

I think that’s the bottom line. The message. Today Being My True Self is about mindfully riding the ride of life, both going with the flow while also having an oar handy. There really is nothing to fear. Let go of the constrainsts that say you should have done it a certain way or should do it a certain way, and just do it your own way and move on!!

Game Changer? Fuck Yes!!

I am in tears at the moment… no worries, everything is alright. In fact, they are perfect. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life and the people in it!

I did an event last night… It felt to me, before it happened, that it would be a game changer. I had pictured one kind thing in my mind. It did not go the way I imagined though… not at all. I imagined that I would be admired and seen as a leader, receiving adoration from my admirers…. We think so small as humans… but, in our defense, we can only imagine what we have knowledge of before hand… I mean, I can not know what I do not know. 

What actually happened is so much bigger and better than that! There were people at the event that challenged me and disagreed with me. And it went so far as being told that I was saying something else entirely… all done very respectfully, I will add, but at the same time, because I’m different… because I’m poly. Suggesting that because I am different, I need to proclaim that loudly enough so that unknowing folks won’t walk into an event unawares that I’m different than they!!

Now some of this is my own emotional reaction to being judged… I’ve had plenty of experience with it and I acknowledge that. But, honestly, I’ve looked at this from all perspectives and had others look at it also. I did not include that I am poly in the description of the event because it was not relevant to the topic… it is simply my story. The event was about relationships… how to have a healthy relationship… period. Any kind of relationship, really, it is intended to be inclusive. It is intended to be a safe place for everyone to share their experience of relationship and their relationship challenges, regardless of how a person identifies… including me. 

Which brings me to why I am in tears of gratitude! I reached out to several friends… and with their loving and supportive assistance, I was able to see that I Did Exactly That! And that I am truly doing exactly what I came to do in this lifetime! I have known for a long time that my life’s challenges had a purpose and that I was meant to use them to help people. Well, fellow humans… here it is!!! 

I bare my soul about my relationship challenges and experiences BECAUSE they are different and taboo and sucked figuring them out at times, so that others can learn from them. So others can feel safe exploring and talking about being different when it comes to relationships. And not because they are different in the same way that I am different… that becomes too easy too… its about being accepting of how we are different. It’s about celebrating those differences! About allowing ourselves to learn from those that think differently than we do! If we could just be willing to hear the message no matter what the messenger looks like…. The world would be a much different place. 

Today… Being My True Self means standing tall in my truth… refusing to be put in a corner, because nobody puts Baby in the corner! It means knowing who I am at a soul level and not only not apologizing for that, but celebrating it and shouting it from the rooftops!!! I’m here and I’ve got a message to share!

Thank you, thank yo, thank you! To all who believe in me, who support me… to know that you see me… truly see me… for who I am, humbles me beyond words and brings me to tears, once again, as I think about it now!

In Light & Service, As Always

Fitting In

As I lie here tonight, wishing I was with my people… I am once again reminded of all the times in my life when I didn’t fit in. Which really has been most of my life. It seemed no matter what I did or what I tried, I wasn’t accepted.

This phenomenon has continued, right up to today. When my gremlins are loudly speaking in my ear, telling me that I don’t belong. Even with my people…. the people I have longed for my entire life. The people with whom I finally began to feel like I belonged… like there actually was a place for me in the world.

These gremlins find what they believe to be evidence to support their claims that I am not worthy. That my people are just being nice and tolerating me… putting up with me.

And as I lie here with these thoughts running amok in my head and feeling more and more down… something hits me.

It’s not about being accepted! It’s not even about finding my people. It’s about Being My True Self. I know I say that every time, but I mean truly, it really is only about being me.

When I’m me, things line up… things go smoothly… the words come easily… when I’m me, I don’t have to be accepted… by anyone… even a master Buddhist monk (or some other equally enlightened human).

When I’m me, the people that I am meant to interact with, meant to get to know deeply… those I have soul connections with, be it for lessons or karma, will find me. And if I’m meant to experience something we generally think of as distasteful… well, then, I can’t dodge it anyway, so might as well go ahead and walk into the “fire” and get it over with… rip that bandaid off.

I mean, who the fuck and I trying to impress?! I’m Just trying to be me… the best me that I can be, following my true path …. I’m just Being My True Self! And today that means letting go of trying to impress anyone. If you like me… great, I love you. If you don’t… great, I love you.

As Always, In Light & Service

The Space In-Between

This idea… this concept… this notion, if you will, keeps coming up for me this week.. In things I read and see. Then in my thoughts the idea expands.

My main focus these days is on getting my message out… what’s my message? Good question!! Lol I’ve been working on this for years now! I think this idea is a part of it!

So, our society teaches us to move through this space in-between pretty quickly. You’ve probably heard the quote about the journey, not the destination. Its that. We are taught to ignore, in essence, the journey or the space in-between where we are and where we are going.

It goes further to include moments between things. So much so that there are typically no “empty” moments in the day, because when we find them, we fill them… at least that is true for me. And its true for friends and the clients that I have worked with over the years. Then, once we fill, those moments we rarely go back and take out what we filled the moments with, so much so that we end up feeling like everything is important and we can’t get rid of everything and its all the same amount of important!!!! Do you feel the frenzy that builds when you read that?! Yikes!! It goes all the way down to the pause in a conversation.

How many people are uncomfortable being single? Its the space in-between relationships, right? As if the relationship is the desired, expected status or way to be… skip right over or through the single/in-between space as quickly as possible. Just pick someone! Ever do that?!

The underlying message is that the space in-between is bad in some way. Maybe you were told it was unproductive. Or you were lazy if you didn’t do something with it. Or unmotivated, even. In other words, things that don’t feel good.

Is it any wonder that we end up believing that any relationship type that is in-between already identified types isn’t acceptable? We are already conditioned to not be comfortable, at the very least, with something that is in-between. Of course, it goes further when we are talking about relationships. There are other norms and things that come into play. However, I want to talk about what is in-between relationship types.

We all know what monogamy is. The state of being in a committed, loving relationship with only one person at a time. Our society tends to take the connotation of it further though, but not unanimously so. There are different, individual expectations with the concept that are sometimes talked about and sometimes not. For the sake of this discussion, monogamy is being in a committed, loving relationship with just one person at a time, whether it is heterosexual or homosexual.

Now, if you go look at alternatives to this, what do you find? You tend to find the extremes. Most everyone has heard of the man (can’t think of his name at the moment) that married dozens of women and some underage girls in the name of his religion. Or you heard of a friend of a friend who tried to open a marriage and it didn’t go well at all. In some cases polygamy or polyamory or swinging or kinky… each conjuring up its own images in your mind as you read these words. Most of the time you will find things that already have a name and definition.

At this point, most people will put themselves in one of the categories or boxes and go from there. Whatever the box is, they try to fit themselves in it, make themselves match the definition of the one they chose, assuming that is the ultimate way to be… and if they aren’t like that, that there is something wrong with them…. and they seek to “fix” themselves.

I’m here to tell you (because I’ve learned this the hard way), THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! No matter what it is you want in a relationship! You are allowed to ask for it! You are allowed to expect it! It has taken me a lifetime to recognize this and then accept this for myself! I want this for you! For Everyone!!

Dare to be uncomfortable. Go to the space in-between and stay there! Don’t run away, don’t shy away. Go there and ask yourself, “What do I want?”… “What are the possibilities?”… Allow yourself to explore the in-between!

Today, Being My True Self means putting on my explorer’s hat and hiking boots, taking a packed lunch, and visiting the in-betweens I find today… Join me?

Silver or Gold!

As I put on earrings this morning … for some context, I have three in my left ear and one in my right… I’ve been different since I was 16 and pierced my own ear lobe with ice cubes and a pin! Wow, how time flies! Anyway, I have a gold chain earring in the middle hole on my left side that I have been keeping in. And as I was selecting earrings to go with my outfit today, I noticed that they were silver. Ut Oh! This thought ran through my mind…

I can’t wear both silver and gold… especially right next to each other!! I know I’m not the only one that grew up with this rule being drilled into them. Probably along with others… like “no white after Labor Day”… or various other rules that can be difficult to even recognize as rules, because we have believed them for soooo long that they just become something that we live by without even thinking about them.

I have worked really hard over my life to be exactly who I was meant to be… this is different than the “shoulds” that try to contain us and create rules about how to live… I mean, who my soul intended for me to be when I agreed to this life and the lessons it contained for me. It has been a struggle for sure! I spent huge chunks of time, years at a time, living some other way… fighting to come out of it so that I can find my true path.

Sometimes those rules that were handed down to us have a healthy origin, like looking both ways before crossing the street. But not all of them, like “silver or gold, but not both” or “no sex before marriage” or “you can’t have a relationship with more than one partner at a time” or “you can’t wear lingerie if you have a male body”. Whatever the origin is for these rules, I don’t agree with, so why would I want to live by them?

Just because some rules are confining or ridiculous does not mean that we should throw out all rules… that’s akin to throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  This is about being mindful of the rules we are living by and thoughtfully looking at them all and choosing the ones that serve us.

Today, Being My True Self means wearing gold AND silver earrings right next to each other on the same ear!! Be Bold!! Be Daring!! Be un-apologetically Your True Self!!

Love and Light Fellow Souls!!

Heartbreak? Naw, Just Information!!

Whew! That’s no fun, right?! Thinking back to a time when I experienced Holiday Heartbreak…

I remember crying for hours on end… behind closed doors. For me, it was about keeping up appearances through the holidays… It was the most heart-wrenching part of the whole thing. The relationship was something that I wanted soooo, so badly at the time… that I didn’t want to let go of it. But, at the same time, even then, I knew it wasn’t right for me.

How did I get through? Well… at the time, like I said, I shed a lot of tears. I ended up in a pretty deep and all encompassing depression that … probably lasted for months following the holidays. I just wallowed in self-pity, wondering what was wrong with me, why my relationships always ended up like this no matter what I did, why I wasn’t good enough.. pretty enough.. sexy enough… But, as time went on, I started to come out of it… slowly at first…

What I did, was begin to take stock. Stock of what I really wanted in my life… what I felt like was missing, now that this person was gone from my life (at least in the capacity they were in). As I did this, I reflected on my needs and started looking for ways to fill those needs. That spring, I piled the kids in the car, spur of the moment, and we headed out of town to go hiking in a national park that was about an 8 hour drive from home. It was an amazing trip that they still talk about to this day! What was I missing? Connection… with other humans (and I decided to start with the little ones closest to me) and with nature… I’d been missing that too. Having re-established those connections… I moved on…

Next… I tackled the need for sex (since that need was showing up in a big way by then!) I threw abandon to the wind (not completely, I remained safe… quite literally as in “safe sex”, but also in how I met new people, online mostly!) I allowed myself to do things I had only dreamed of so far… fantasized about. I did things I had always been told were things only “bad” girl’s did. I had a ton of fun! But most importantly… I learned SO MUCH about myself!!! I learned that I liked having multiple relationships at the same time (always ethically, thanks to the book The Ethical Slut)! I learned the difference between cheap, meaningless sex and sex with connection… what chemistry feels like when you find it… I learned to say “no” and set healthy boundaries for myself.

Through this process of exploration… I found someone that I connected with on a spiritual level… had amazing sexual chemistry with… loved more deeply than I ever had before… someone that challenged me to be the best me I can be just by being who they are! I know that I never would have found that if I had not allowed myself to be open to what the universe has to offer…. more accurately, what the universe wants for me! I have learned so much in this relationship also… about myself and about relationships. Not just romantic relationships either… It goes way deeper than that (but that is for another day and another post.)

If I knew then, what I know now, what would I have done differently during that holiday season, right after my breakup? This….

  1. I would remind myself that there isn’t anything wrong with me. Period! The ending of a relationship simply means that we were not a good match for each other. That there isn’t anything wrong with either one of us… we just wanted different things. This is just information that is truth.
  2. Reflect on what I learned in the relationship. It gives me more information about what I want and don’t want in a relationship. Its just information.
  3. I would allow myself time to reflect on myself; to identify things about myself, mainly what my needs are, what’s most important to me. Its just important to stay in touch with this information.
  4. I would use holiday times with family to reflect on my childhood, my family of origin, and the dynamics in those relationships. I would identify family relationship patterns and see if those are playing a factor in how I relate in my own relationships as an adult. This is just tactical information.
  5. Use the holiday time to create deeper connections with the people that are in my life already; reconnecting with old friends, getting to know newer friends better, and allow myself to feel the love and support that is already in my life. This is just valuable information.

At the end of the day… Being My True Self means collecting as much information about myself and my life experiences as I can, so that I can create the life my soul came here to have!!

I’m Awake Now!!

I know I’m not the only one that feels completely taken aback on this post election day, because I hear my people. After waking up and checking and then double checking the results (I did not watch any news on election day) because I was sure it couldn’t be true, I was in shock. This human being that doesn’t respect or accept me or my people (I’m not talking about politics) was elected by other people around me. Pulling me into an alternate reality that until today only felt like some distant possibility that seemed so remote to me that I truly…. TRULY did not believe it was possible.

I laughed when it was just an idea, thinking it was some publicity stunt. Then choked when I saw it was real. But even then, I went on believing that it couldn’t happen. I went about this election season trusting this belief… that’s how deeply I felt it. I didn’t believe that people are really that cruel or naive or whatever it takes to believe in someone like that. I just didn’t believe it possible.

After the initial shock wore off this morning.. I was feeling rather lost… kind of like an alien in a foreign land, I suppose. I lashed out a bit, but reigned that in because I don’t believe in that, for sure, and I won’t give him the satisfaction of drawing me down to his level. I found myself near tears as I thought about what it must mean about this country and the people that are all around me…

Thankfully though, I am surrounded by my people. And my people reminded me of the bigger picture. Reminded me that its all about love anyway. Reminded me of my part in the world, in this life. This entire election, from all sides and all parties, was hate filled. I never did want to be a part of it… and didn’t believe either of the main party’s choices were good. And when the third party joined in the mud slinging… I kind of knew, on some level, that all hope was lost for this election.

So, I started to ask myself… if I apply what I believe to be true, that everything happens for a reason. That there are bigger forces at play in the world and with humanity.. then what does this mean? Once I could look at it this way… I also asked myself “Why did I choose to be at this point in my life, in this life’s journey, when this world event occurred?” Because I believe there is a reason, I just have to discover it. He is playing a role on a world scale, just like many before him have played… many before my time and some as close and as personal as it can be in my own life.

And you know what? We, as a people, have risen above! I have risen above! We will survive this and will somehow be the better for it. I KNOW this to be, without a doubt, true.

There is something in this for me to learn. I believe that it was my wake up call. I believe it was a wake up call for people like me. People that have something to offer… but have been so oppressed and overlooked and dismissed by some other force that they were afraid to share their gifts… to let their light shine… to be fully who they are, in all their glory. Well… I’m awake! It took a cold slap in the face to get me to fully wake up, but I am fully fucking awake now!

And, furthermore, I am ready to shine brighter than ever before. I refuse to dim my light any more because some people might not like its color or brightness or shape or sparkle! No one can take this away from me, no matter what they do or how much they try! Today, Being My True Self, means being truly willing to die for what I believe in! And once I am not afraid to die for what I believe in… well, No One can scare me back into the hole I was hiding in.

As always, with Love and Light!

In Relationships

Being My True Self in relationships is tricky… can be like a minefield or a roller coaster. Its important that we maintain our True Selves in relationships though.. I mean, that’s why our partners chose us in the first place, because of who we are.

We all have the same needs that we are constantly balancing and working to meet. Each person’s needs are unique though. For instance, my need for socialization is relatively low… being an introvert and all, but my need for intellectual stimulation is relatively high… I love to learn new things. Its pretty cool… means we are all unique beings that bring something different to the table.

However, when you put two people together in a relationship (of any kind, mind you), this could (operative word here) cause issues. Because if my partner’s need for socialization is higher than mine… well, I’m gonna be done socializing way before they are. Where does the problem come in? Well, many people believe that we are responsible for meeting our partners needs. In this case, it is going to create a direct conflict for my partner and I. Either I have to sacrifice being true to my self or they have to sacrifice being true to their selves.

That’s not acceptable to me nor do I believe it is healthy. Its not the only way though. We are each responsible for meeting out own individual needs. So, if my partner doesn’t like to learn new things as much as I do, then its important that I pay attention to my own need for learning. What happens often, but is not helpful, is to hold one’s partner responsible for meeting that unmet need. But if their need has already been met, they aren’t going to know that mine isn’t… only I will. Its my responsibility at that point to tell my partner what I need, ask them if they are able and willing to help me meet that need, and if not, then to have a discussion about how I am going to meet my need.

Today, Being My True Self means recognizing my own needs and taking responsibility for meeting them myself.

Wrestling the Gremlin Queen

You heard me right. I found and have been wrestling with the Queen of all Gremlins… my gremlins, that is. Gremlins being those doubty or negative kinds of thoughts that we all have in our minds. Well, I believe I’ve found my biggest, oldest, most pervasive one… at least so far, because I can’t know what will come or if I’ll find a bigger one later or not.

I’ve written about this gremlin before… I know because when I was thinking about writing about this, a title came to mind and I searched my posts… and there it was. This is slightly different… and this is a new day, therefore, a new post. Besides, the more I wrestle with these gremlins, this one in particular, the more I’m able to identify it and learn how to beat it.

This gremlin is the one that says I’m not good enough. Not good enough for what? Well, not good enough for anything… to do what I do… to get a job… to talk to people, because why would they want to know what I have to say.

This last one came up today… I realized when I attended an event and found myself in the room with someone who is a peer… meaning they do similar work as me…. I was quiet and afraid to talk to them. I noticed that my thinking was that they wouldn’t want to talk to me. That they wouldn’t see me as an equal or a peer. That I see them as better than me… more important than me.

When I thought beyond this event, to other areas of my life, I realized that I do this in many areas of my life. I avoid putting myself in situations because I don’t want to be confronted with this idea… I don’t want to be rejected. I do this with clients… I worry that clients or peers won’t see my worth… my value. Which is ridiculous, because its intrinsic. They don’t have to see my value. I help people with this every day… WTF?! What is wrong with me, that I haven’t figured this out?!

I know different! I really do! There is evidence that these things aren’t true. I know that what I have to offer people is well worth the cost. I help improve the quality of people’s lives… and when you’re in pain, that is priceless. I’ve been there. And I’ve utilized the services of people like me and gotten so much out of it. I’ve been told by clients that I have worked with that I have been very helpful.

Therefore, I know these thoughts aren’t true… But, damn, there is a part of me that won’t let go of these ideas… they get in the way of me doing things I want to do. I’m putting this out there today because I believe that bringing them into the light will make them weaker and me stronger.

Today, Being My True Self is being vulnerable… being transparent… being strong… being a wrestling champion!!

The Cliff

Having just returned from an amazing, enlightening, moving, breakthrough, transformational weekend of connecting with beautiful souls and getting in touch with my own…

Where I was on the highest high, feeling like I was one with the universe…

And conversely seriously low as I confronted some of my most well developed inner demons and WON!! …

I sit here feeling….

Feeling what? Probably running the gamut, actually. But it feels like I was on the mountain top socializing and communing with angels all weekend. Learning about them, connecting with them on a very deep, spiritual level, laughing and shedding tears with them. Connecting to the universe and feeling like we were all one.

We were all learning about ourselves at the same time and our own path. Learning how to find our path, to navigate it. As I found my path, which I certainly did… well, to be more accurate, I reconnected with my path. And as I did and as I learned more, the path became clearer and clearer, more clear than its ever been in my entire life. I could actually see it happening and feel it happening.

And I have never, never felt more alive!!!

I decided I was ready to start going down my path. And I did. And as I look around, I can see all the angels going down their paths. We’re all supportive of one another, cheering each other on, picking each other up when we fall or stumble. Its all so beautiful… I don’t want to shut my eyes and at the same time I want to shut my eyes to just be with the feeling.

Then… it happens… as I’m going down my path, I see it. The cliff. I almost didn’t though, I almost walked off it because I was so caught up in the beauty of it all. So, I stopped.. and I looked around questioning whether I had gone the right way or not. I even went back along the path a little ways… just to see if I’d taken a wrong turn… Nope, this was definitely the way. But… Its a cliff. Like… there’s nothing there… or if there is something there, I can’t see it through the misty fog below… way below.

As I look around I see them.. the gremlins. They are the stuff from nightmares.. or horror movies.. ghostly, wispy, creepy-ass gremlins that are coming up my legs, sneaking up behind me, whispering in my ear, telling me I went the wrong way, that its not safe here, that I need to go back where I came from. And for a moment, I believe them… I hang my head and start back down the path. Until one of the angels sees me and guides me back onto my path.

And I’m in front of the cliff again… with all my angel friends behind me… I just take a giant leap off the cliff with my eyes squeezed tightly shut… and wait to see what happens.

I feel myself weightless. Wondering whats happened, I open my eyes and I see my angel friends have caught me and they are carrying me… because my wings aren’t ready to fly by themselves yet.

So, what’s beyond the mist? I don’t know… but its fucking beautiful up here and I am just enjoying the journey and can’t wait to see what is on the other side.

Today, Being My True Self means leaping even when I’m not sure what will happen and having the faith in my soul’s knowing.